Someday Syndrome

Stolen Sense of Peace

Today someone stole Raul's wallet. It had no money, he noticed within an hour, and he canceled all his cards. There was absolutely no gain for the thief and yet Raul didn't find the wallet anywhere nearby, discarded for being useless.

The only outcome is inconvenience for Raul. He had to go to the police station and he had to call the bank. He'll have to take time off work to replace his national ID, health and social security cards. He will also have to spend a long time regaining a sense of security about the world.

All for nothing on the part of the thief who only takes away from the world and yet doesn't gain anything for himself.

Someday Lessons:

• What might seem like an easy win often turns out empty.
• Trust can be broken in the blink of an eye.

Why I'm Angry All the Time

Two years ago I decided to give up being merely comfortable and to ruthlessly pursue happiness, which I've pretty much achieved. I'm with a man I love doing what I love in a place that makes me swoon every time I look out the window.

Yet I spend a good deal of my time unreasonably angry with the world in general.

My pursuit of happiness is not comfortable, safe or easy. It's scary. Turning my back on comfort and relentlessly chasing happiness means taking risks which involves a whole lot of fear. Evolution wired human beings to be afraid of the unknown – which has saved us a species many times – but fear often produces anger and because I'm an overly-polite British-Canadian, I absorb that anger. I intellectualize my responses and feel like vomiting if I irrationally snark at someone, but then I feel like vomiting because all that anger has to go somewhere or it will give me an ulcer.

So what to do? Time and time again I've discovered the answer and yet time and time again I ignore it completely. I need to walk more. When I go for an epic two hour walk the endorphins soar and the anger that chews away at my stomach lining shrinks.

In fact I'm going out for a walk right now. See ya!

Someday Lessons:

• A rigorous pursuit of happiness involves more risk than many people are willing to take.
• Never underestimate the power and positive value of endorphins.

Too Polite for My Own Good

This weekend, friends visited from Catalonia (hence the lack of posts Thursday and Friday). With my recent stomach problems and resulting bad moods, four people in a 200sq ft apartment can feel a bit cramped (pun intended). In an effort to refrain from snapping at people, I kept my distance most of the weekend. The emotional distance also helped keep a physical distance from all the bad-for-me food that the others consumed over the four days.

Unfortunately the emotional distance ended up taking a toll on everyone with one guest trying to push into my carefully delineated Alex-only territory. Yesterday she decided to cook – paying us back for our hospitality. And even though I'd explained my dietary restrictions several times over the weekend, lunch ended up having garlic and pepper in it (Raul managed to stop her using white wine). Given the tension in the apartment, I decided just to eat the food without a fuss. After all, the garlic was still in its skin only flavouring the food -  I wouldn't actually be eating the stuff directly. I'd be fine!

Wrong!

Yesterday afternoon my stomach started to rebel and I got a wicked headache. I went to bed at 9:30 and slept almost ten hours. Today I feel like I have a stomach bug and I'm majorly regretting my I-so-nice-of-course-I'll-eat-your-food-that-is-bad-for-me Britishness.

Someday Lessons:

• Health issues supersede politeness every time.
• Listen to your gut (pun intended again). It knows what's good for you.

Resisting the Peanut Butter

I've always believed that I lack willpower. I just can't make myself do things I don't want to nor NOT do things I do want to.

I have all the things I need for super success in whatever I do: ambition, drive, talent (modesty) - everything except willpower. I'm not as successful as I could be because I lack willpower. It's inherent and unchangeable.

(Un)fortunately that's a complete lie. How do I know that? Because I've discovered I do possess willpower over what I eat. With my severely limited diet, I could cheat easily. No one would know if I bought a donut or devoured a bag of potato chips. I simply choose not to because I remember the nine years of pain I used to live in and was beginning to feel again.

Yesterday for example I had a terrible craving for peanut butter and Ritz crackers, my mainstay childhood food. I could taste the smooth sweetness of the Kraft PB, the buttery saltiness of the Ritz. I felt the cracker snap and flake as my teeth bit into it, the peanut butter sticking my tongue to the roof of my mouth.

Later in the day I walked past a bakery and decided I would be willing trade my soul for a soft, chewy peanut butter cookie that would coat my mouth with floury goodness.

I managed to resist both, however, without much drama. I have no desire to live the rest of my life in pain, so denying myself sweets and processed foods for six months every five years is easily doable.

So yeah, I do have willpower - when I find something important enough. Does it mean then that I find very few things important? Or that I'm just lazy?

Someday Lessons:

• Willpower is not inherent - it's a choice, like almost everything else in life.
• Pain and discomfort often motivate change better than anything else.

Why Don't I Have Healing Powers?

With the help of medication and a bland diet, I'm beginning to feel better. I can still taste stomach acid, but it's not so all-consuming like last week. Unfortunately Raul is still sick with laryngitis. He's been at home for a week now and bored out of his tree.

As a problem-solving person, I want to DO something to make him feel better. Of course I can't. I can only do things to make him feel more comfortable. I make sure he's warm. I feed him fresh crepes with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. And of course I give him lots of hugs and kisses.

Through all this, I feel like I'm not doing everything I can. I should be able to fix this. Everything should be fixable. And I take it as a personal offense that it's not.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't beat yourself about things that you don't have the power to change.
• Learn to accept that sometimes you can't do anything to help others.

More Detox (Not Fun)

I discovered this week that I needed to detox from the high-fat diet I'd been consuming recently. What does that mean?

Pain, messed up sleep patterns, random emotions jumping out at any moment, and a general feeling of disconnectedness.

I can only hope this passes more quickly than the last detox two months ago.

Someday Lessons:

• Life is spiral: things repeat, but never in quite the same way.
• Sometimes you just need to wait out the storm, trying to stay as dry and warm as possible.

Speaking Different Languages

Tick, tick, tick… What's that you hear? Something waiting to explode? Oh, that's just a tired Alex mixed with a tired Raul.

Last night we stayed up until after 2am watching the season premiere of Spanish Pop Idol (www.OperacionTriunfo.com), so slept only four and a half hours. When we have too little sleep, Raul gets aggressive and I get defensive (can't you just hear the bomb ticking?).

Needless to say, midmorning we tripped the detonator despite Raul thinking that he was holding back much of his aggressiveness and me certain that I had destroyed my super-sensitive ego.

The problem? We talk too much. We said much more than was necessary and ended up covered in the debris of a miscommunication and hurt feeling bomb. Fortunately the bomb was small and we cleaned things up quickly.

Someday Lessons:

• Relationships require much patience on both sides.
• Good communication skills include knowing when to shut up.

A Perfectionist Tigger

I used to think that I was a Christopher Robin, a kid with a grand imagination, but slightly outside of it all. Recently I've realized I'm much more of a Tigger. I bounce. I discover something new and say “ooh Tiggers like that!” and then dive right into without thinking it through or bothering to learn more. I'll learn as I go.

However, I'm a Tigger with perfectionist leanings. I want to do whatever I try perfectly. Doing things perfectly first try is very rare, next to impossible actually. So, when I discover I can't do whatever perfectly, I get bored and look for the next new thing that will make me bounce.

I'm at that point with my writing. Over the past two months I've been working hard on my writing skills. I'm improving greatly, but I've also realized how much further I have to go. This would be the point where Tigger would leave, where he'd say “Tiggers don't like writing” and find something new.

Fortunately I'm not fully Tigger. I can resist the temptation to bounce away from a little work. As much as I hate learning that I'm not the best natural writer in the world, I won't give up. I know that I'm a good writer, but like anything, real skill comes from practice.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't let your inner perfectionist stop you from pursuing your dreams.
• Equally, don't let your inner Tigger bounce you away from something you love just because it's not easy.

Resisting Raul

I've spent my life pretty much alone. Our family is loving but a bit disengaged (it's a British cultural thing). We live at a slight distance from the world. As a child, it was also for self-protection. My childhood friendships were about who would betray others first. My adult relationships have all been about remaining distant. One relationship was an attempt at engaging, but it turned out that his strong emotions were actually just another way of disengaging.

Raul's not like that, and that why I love him so much. However, it's hard to cope with sometimes. He asks that I live in the moment, that I consider him and that I get out of my own head more than once in a while.

That's a scary prospect and I'm totally resisting happiness because of decades of being disengaged (and self-protective). I'm not fearful, but being that vulnerable represents a huge shift in attitude, mentality and action. I'm not there yet.

I will do it, but I just need to resist the idea a little longer. For me, growth happens when I've fought against it for a while like a baby fights sleep.

Someday Lessons:

• External change is much easier to accomplish than internal change.
• Just because we know what needs to change, it doesn't mean we're capable of doing it.

Information Fraud

So, last week my cousin in France sent me a message saying that I had a registered letter from the Spanish government. I assumed it was a confirmation of my destruction of Fleur, so told her to open it and if it was anything important to let me know. She had someone locally translate it (because of course it was in Spanish) and told me it was a fine for speeding.

I got her husband to scan and email the documents and it turned out not to be my car. I asked Raul to look it over and not only wasn't it my car, but someone had declared that I was the driver of their car when the photo radar snapped the picture. Me driving a Citroen at 4:45 in the morning? The only way you'd catch me driving at that hour would be if I wanted to fall asleep at the wheel. That's way too late (or early) for me to be functioning.

This morning Raul and I went to the local traffic office where they told us that we had to write a letter to Province of Bizkaia because that's where the fine originated. We had to ask for a copy of the original fine to figure out who the hijo de puta who named me was and we had to declare that I had no idea who the owner of this Citroen was.

One of the office workers suggested that I pay the fine anyway and then wait for a refund, but fortunately her coworker told us not to, which was good because there was no frickin' way that I would have paid that fine.

So now I'm at a loss for how this unknown person got ahold of my French driver's license information. Here in Spain, the only people who have that information are the police (from my accident at the beginning of February) and the free WIFI service at the local mall (I had to show ID and they used my info on my DL for the account information).

I guess it's now up to the owner of the car to prove that he or she knows me and that I was driving that night.

The whole fine thing doesn't bother, but the whole invasion of privacy does bother me. How the frick did this person get my info?

Someday Lessons:

• Even when you are careful with your private information, it can be used by others.
• It pisses me off that the actions of others can so easily disrupt my life.

You're Not As Happy As You Could Be

I don't mean superficially happy, like “I'd be happier if Bones came back on the air soon,” or “I'd be happier if I got the mirror in the bedroom hung.” I mean soul-deep happiness. I mean the happiness that Gretchen Rubin talks about in The Happiness Project.

Right now I've never been happier in my entire life, and yet I'm not has happy as I want to be.

I would be happier if I were published. I would be happier if I didn't have to worry about my diet and resulting pain when I ignore it. I would be happier if I could support myself purely from writing fiction.

Those are concrete things. They are things I can works towards. Do you know what would make you happier? Most people don't. Most people go through life comfortably unhappy or merely content. Most people think that true happiness is beyond them, that it's for idealists who don't live in the real world.

Are you one of those people?

Someday Lessons:

• What would make you truly happy? Do you know?
• Don't live a comfortable life. Strive for a happy one.

Pain Is Not Fun

It's time for a cleanse.

In 1994, I was misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia. For nine years, I lived in constant pain, with energy levels what fluctuated from Superman-high to corpse-low. Then in 2003 I went on an anti-yeast diet and was pain-free within three weeks. I didn't last on the diet the full year that I was supposed to do, so I didn't totally get rid of the yeast overload. Instead I have to manage it.

Spanish people love their sweets, especially bread-like sweets. So do I. Plus I have a bit of a cheese addiction.

I've started waking up sore, and my energy levels have been making me a bit manic – super happy one day, super low the next. Before things get too bad, I'm going to go back on the restricted diet and buy myself some anti-fungals from the health store.

The only question is how much willpower do I actually have and how long will I be able to last?

Someday Lessons:

• Something that provides short-term happiness (sweets) might deny long-term happiness (being pain-free).
• What are you willing to give up to achieve long-term happiness?

Losing My Language

I speak English all day long. I read English. I write in English.

Raul speaks too quickly in Spanish and has troubles speaking slowly, so he speaks to me in English.

I insist, however, on speaking in Spanish to him, but I've noticed that I'm losing my comprehension skills, which were never that high to begin with. I can still speak it okay, but I don't hear enough Spanish to feel comfortable with it. I know that it takes a long time to understand a language, but I've made it harder for myself with all this English around me.

Raul's mother gave me some Spanish workbooks. I'm going to start reviewing them, especially listening to the CDs that accompany them. Hopefully that will stop some of the language erosion.

Someday Lessons:

• Skills are learned once – they need to be practiced.
• Life may try to interfere with goals – make sure that doesn't happen.

Alex the Ass

On Saturday night, we had people over for dinner and the combination of steak and wine did not sit well with me. I ended up napping before we went out to watch the wandering drummers for the San Sebastian festival.

I made the mistake of thinking it was warmer so wore only a light hoodie.

Once at our first destination, I found out the purpose of the night: to wander from bar to bar outside as we followed a group of men dressed in military garb or chef's outfits play the same five songs over and over.

I wasn't having any of it. I pronounced the whole thing ridiculous. I announced that Canadians don't have traditions like this then emotionally, intellectually and (later) physically removed myself from the event.

At 2am, cold, tired and with a very upset stomach, I went home.

In my self-absorbed pompous state, I completely forgot that to people from San Sebastian, this night is one of the most important of the year. It's the day they celebrate their city.

Normally I would have gotten right into it as the boyfriend of another friend did, but no. I decided to be a pretentious jerk and proceeded to offend everyone around me.

It took Raul two days to forgive me.

Someday Lessons:

• The fastest way to hurt someone is to stay inside your own opinion.
• A bad attitude makes for really bad experiences.

Long Day

Today is my long day. I left the house at 7am and am back at 11pm. I did have two hours free this morning and another hour now, but overall it's a pretty crazy day.

In other words, my brain isn't functioning beyond: I am, you are, he/she/it is...

And I'm sure you don't want an English lesson.

Someday Lessons:

• I don't like this working-for-a-living thing.

The Stairs

So far I haven't been very good about doing the stairs thing. I usually go up and down the stairs four times a day, but not all at one time.

I have done one repeat a few times (404 steps in the 1010 goal), at the end of which I'm wiped. I could do a third, but my body whimpers and I give in.

Of course, now that I've written this, I'm immediately going to go do three trips.

Bye!

Someday Lessons:

• Mental and emotional inertia is one of the biggest blocks to action.
• I know I'm not the only one procrastinating about something. What aren't you doing?

Twenty-One Reasons to Feel Homesick

• Six piece sherry set from 1957
• Five watercolours painted by Dad
• Four stuffed animals from my childhood
• Three piggy banks from my former collection
• Two fancy (i.e., professional and sharp) kitchen knives
• One quilt hand-stitched by Mom made with childhood shirts.

Someday Lessons:

• Things that make you happy can also make you sad.
• Things ties us to places. Take the things from the place and we disconnect from it.

Discovering Patience Revisited

A few weeks ago I decided that patience was a matter of living in the present, not the future. Last week I discovered there's another form of patience that I was not understanding.

Our recent IKEA purchases included some LACK floating shelves. You know the ones. They look great, but they are a real pain in the ass to mount.

Eager to prove myself a handy guy to Raul, I dove right in, measuring, drilling, being a total do-it-yourselfer. You can guess what happened. My measurements were off, the holes weren't deep enough and we destroyed five screws (and gave ourselves blisters) getting the shelf mount back off the wall to correct the problem.

Can you also guess the lesson here? What are the key words?

You got it: “eager to prove myself.”

I didn't take the time to prepare the work area or to ask for help. I didn't want to appear like I couldn't do something. Of course, by being impatient, I did exactly what I didn't want to do.

Someday Lessons:

• No one needs to prove themselves to anyone.
• Impatience is ego-driven. Destroy the ego and find patience.

Have You Seen My Serenity?

I've lost it. Last year, while in France, I carefully cultivated an even temper. Bad things happened, good things happened, but I stayed calm the entire time.

But now, I'm having trouble adapting. I'm swinging from extreme highs to extreme lows.

This weekend, Raul and I spent four fantastic days in a few Moorish cities. Raul wanted to show them to me because he wanted to share more of his life and his loves. I, however, by the end of the weekend had a wicked crying fit. Two of Raul's friends joined us and as much as I enjoy being with people, it drives me nuts that I can't contribute, and not just because of the language barrier. I don't get cultural references either.

And I hate not knowing things.

Fortunately I didn't let my bad mood get in the way of enjoying the weekend.

No Lessons today. I'm on sinus medication and it's making me dizzier than I usually am.

Death to the Perfectionist

Last night I had a total meltdown. Because I don't understand everything right away, I was feeling stupid. And people with perfectionist leanings hate feeling stupid more than anything.

I don't doubt that my decision to move to Spain was the right one, but last night I asked Raul “What the f**k have I done?”

He told me that I'm too North American, that I need to think more like a Spaniard. Who cares about perfection? Who cares about being the best student in class? Who cares about knowing it all right now? Or making the most money? Or... or... or...

Of course, he's right. I moved to France (and now Spain) to change the life I had in Canada where I was working fifty to sixty hour weeks to barely get by. Where I was jealous of any organizer who received more media attention than I did. Where I felt that unless I was the best (i.e., the winner) then I was the worst (i.e., the loser).

In class yesterday we talked about working to live or living to work. I laughed at the thought of most Spanish people living to work and the professor agreed. Very few Spanish people think that way. It's such a Protestant Work Ethic (i.e., North American) mindset.

So, I'm going to stop pushing myself and I'm going to become more Spanish, caring less about being the best and caring more about actually enjoying my life.

Someday Lessons:

• Changing old ways of thinking can be hard, even when you want to.
• A really good cry can break through walls that determination and effort never will.

Cranky Pants Strikes Again

Yesterday, I discovered a new place to walk that reminds me of my Sauveterre walks, and Raul and I were invited were invited to a friend's for dinner. I made hazelnut-flour crepes and butterscotch sauce. I even understood most of the conversation at dinner!

All in all a great day.

So then why did I start today in a foul mood?

I blame Spanish eating time. We arrived for dinner at 9:30pm, ate from 11pm to shortly after midnight and were in bed by just before 1am.

My dreams were serious messed up, I tossed and turned all night and then once Raul got out of bed I couldn't sleep any more, so got out of bed as soon as he left.

Fortunately, as the day progressed my mood improved. It was helped by doing well on a test, making a yummy potato and cheese tortilla (a big omelette), editing a big chunk more of my book, and spending doing-nothing time with Raul.

Someday Lessons:

• Rich food eaten late and an early morning wake up are a bad combination.
• Take responsibility for a bad mood; don't inflict it on others.

Worries & Whines

Worry One: Apartment Hunting
Apartments in San Sebastian are EXPENSIVE. Plus, landlords want to know that their tenants are solvent, which means proving that you have a stable job. Raul can do that. I can't. Will that screw up our chances of finding a place?

Worry Two: Finding a Job
If finding an apartment means finding a job first, then maybe I should be looking for December and get something that is in the afternoons so that I can continue classes in the mornings. It will mean little sleep for a bit and no time for myself, but earning a living is kinda important. But will anyone hire me?

Whine One: The New Flat
UGH! It's a 70s affair, with heat in only the bathroom and kitchen. There's also: a fridge that doesn't really chill things, a shower that is so weak it doesn't rinse the soap from my hair, and a mattress so soft I'm going to have to do like 1000 crunches a day just to keep my back from going out. And what am I paying for this lovely arrangement? The equivalent of abut $600 CDN a month. Lovely.

Whine Two: Ruining the Food Regime
This weekend I ate and drank, and ate and drank. I ate plenty of things that cause me pain (wheat/sugar) and drank beer and wine (which are also pain inducing). So this morning I'm achy, cranky and really not wanting to go to school (or do anything really).

At least things are good with Raul and I'm doing really well with my Spanish.

Someday Lessons:

• Life sucks for everyone sometimes. Today is my turn.
• A good wallow is a lot of fun.

Shutting Up

I´m a talker. Yes, I know, big surprise. Everyone knows this about me. Even one of my French (well English, but living in France) cousins, when I said that I learn to speak languages quickly, said that it was because I liked to talk and HAD to learn quickly.

I´d also say that I´m a good listener, but really, I prefer to talk.

So imagine my chagrin right now when I find myself in the situation of having to shut up and listen. I speak Spanish so slowly people get bored quickly. Plus since understanding is weak spot with languages, NOT talking and really paying attention to what others say is kinda important.

It doesn´t mean I have to like it though...

Someday Lessons:

• Sometimes to achieve future happiness, you need to deny a current pleasure.
• Applying willpower to improving a weakness will make you a more rounded person.

Mr. Cranky Pants

I am in a FOUL mood today. There's a Spanish phrase that I really like: un humor de perros – a mood of the dogs. Of course, most dogs I know are super happy creatures, but when a dog in a foul mood it's really foul and scary.

And why do I feel this way? Did something happen with Raúl? Am I not enjoying classes? Perhaps I miss living in an English environment. Nope. It's purely chemical. And I don't mean coming down off a drug trip.

I'm now day three into having eliminated wheat and sugar from my diet. The yeast that feeds off wheat and sugar is now dying off. And it's making me feel like shit as it does so.

I have such a craving for a dozen donuts right now, it's almost unbearable.

Actually the craving isn't unbearable, I am.

But of course, I'm a nice polite white-boy Canadian, so no one will actually know how cranky I am today.

Someday Lessons:

• Emotions are often at the mercy of body chemicals
• Just because you feel like crap, it doesn't mean you can make others feel the same way.

Resisting the Easy Out

Yesterday I got thrown into the fire of Spanish culture - a Spanish wedding. And I survived!

Actually, I did better than survive. I managed to maintain full (well semi-full) conversations! The fire (with a few glasses of wine) stewed my brain sufficiently to cook up a communication stew (okay enough with the metaphor).

There were a few guests at the wedding who could speak English, but I didn´t take advantage of them. I stayed in Spanish-mode despite being overwhelmed a few times (once nearly to point of tears).

If I´m going to live here, I need to start thinking in Spanish, and that´s not going to happen if I speak English every chance I get.

That doesn´t stop me, of course, from getting Raúl to speak to me in English. Without at least some time in my native tongue, I´d have a total breakdown.

Willingly Self-Destructive

What do you do that's self-destructive? I know there is something. None of us is perfect.

My self-destructiveness centres around food. I don't mean weight-gaining food; I mean pain inducing food. I spent ten years misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia and lived in severe pain. It turned out to be a yeast overgrowth called Candidiasis caused by too many years of processed food, antibiotics (for acne) and too much wheat, sugar, dairy, alcohol, vinegar and mushrooms.

I don't consume much of the last four, but wheat and sugar? Recently, I couldn't get enough of them, even though they cause me pain. I could have pushed myself into a relapse and ended up living in constant pain again. But did I pay any attention to that? Ha!

It's time to kick myself in the butt and kick the wheat/sugar habit before I do myself some serious damage.

You?

Slightly-Obnoxious Opinion Week Day 3

Today's statement hearkens back to the book that pushed me into discovering what makes me happy: The Comfort Trap by Judith Sills

Statement Three: Most people would rather be safely comfortable than take a risk on being happy.

Slightly-Obnoxious Opinion Week Day 1

I'm usually a shades-of-grey type, but I'm feeling opinionated this week. So I'm going to throw out black/white statements. I'm looking forward to seeing what you throw back at me.

Statement One: Anyone who hasn't followed their dream is simply scared to do so and should just get off their butt and do it.

What's Wrong with Connecting?

I'm eating out a lot, which means (as anyone over thirty knows) immediate and noticeable weight gain. So, yesterday I went for a long walk in some of Toronto's ravine parks. Over the past year, I've gotten rather used to village life. If I passed someone while out walking, we said hello and sometimes even had a short conversation.

But in Toronto, no one says “hi” - no one even looks at one another.

I don't know why. Walking is fun! It releases endorphins and endorphins are nature's happy drug. So why not smile when someone looks your way?

The day was saved from complete disappointment, however by an older gentleman who responded to my smile with “What a nice day, eh?”

“Absolutely gorgeous,” I replied.

Forced to Work

I had my evening all planned. A shower, some primping, and then dancing.

Didn't happen.

I'm now trapped in a friend's condo until tomorrow evening. If I leave, I can't get back into the building (it's a key thing).

As usual, I refused to be negative about the situation.

I decided instead to prep my agent search. I added some necessary words to the beginning of my book, crafted a (hopefully!) kick-ass query letter and sent it off to my sister-in-law and her work-in-publishing mother and sister for comments.

And then as a reward I indulged in my Facebook addiction...

A Down Day

People who read my blog regularly comment on how positive I am, how I always find the good in everything. Sometimes it's very draining, however.

Take this week, for example.

I had a great weekend in Madrid, and am really excited for this coming weekend (spending more time with Raúl), so I decided to take the positive energy and send out my first query letter about my book. Within twelve hours I had my first rejection. I know that it takes years (and years) before an author's first book is published, but a rejection is a rejection. 'No' still hurts, even when expected.

Then I received a letter from my insurance company telling me that I am negligent in reporting an accident. This goes back to when Fleur's handbrake slipped and she rolled into another car. I arranged with the other car's owners to just pay for the repairs, but their insurance agent put through the claim any way. Unless I get a letter faxed to my agent as soon as possible saying that the situation was resolved amicably without insurance agent involvement, then I will be considered a negligent driver in France and may face a severe penalty. The other couple are quite happy to send the letter, but I would rather not have had to go through this.

Finally, I've been eating too much wheat and I wake up sore in the morning.

Combine sore muscles, the rejection, with the car-stress and the positive things seem to slip away.

At least I'll be seeing Raúl tonight and I'll be able to get a nice comforting hug.

Someday Lessons:

• Optimism only goes so far, no matter how much we try to stretch it.
• Sometimes the only thing that makes things better is a hug.

A Resistant Post

Usually my blog writing flows easily. Sometimes, however, the entries refuse to come. Today's post is a resistant post. I've written it in bits and pieces several times. I've even decided on the Someday Lessons. It's the content that won't come. This happens when I haven't resolved the issue behind the lessons.

The issue? Loneliness.

This past weekend, the host at my current work site invited a dozen friends over. They came bringing food, conversation, wine, laughter and dancing. They welcomed me into their friendship and encouraged me to use and improve my rough Spanish.

I felt so alone, it scared me.

Loneliness scares me because too often I choose the loneliness. I don't enjoy the moment. I remove myself, put a distance there, then pine for things I don't currently have (like being surrounded by my Toronto friends).

I've done this my whole life; being in a group while at the same time wishing something was different.

I have yet to figure out why.

Someday Lessons:

• It's much easier to ignore loneliness when alone.
• Negative emotions can be a good for the soul as positive ones – if you are willing to explore and understand them.

Pride, Meet Fall

Three days at my new place and I burn the homeowner's favourite paella pan. He said not to worry, that he could tell I was someone who paid attention and meant well. I'd just chosen the wrong pan to make the potato tortilla (a potato omelette not a flatbread made from potatoes).

He's a little upset that the pan might be ruined. I'm more upset.

I didn't want to disturb him when I decided to start lunch. I wanted to show him that I could help out. Most importantly though, I didn't want to need help.

I'm in my late 30s and still feel like a kid, needing permission to do things. "I can do it. I don't need you," I say to the world at large. Is there an age when I'll stop saying that? At some point I hope I will stop needing to prove myself.

It all comes back to pride. If I stop thinking about my ego, I'll remember to ask for help.

Someday Lessons:

• Your ego isn't that important. Ask for help.
• Compensate others for the damage your ego causes them.

Forcibly Streamlined

I must be the only person in the world whose reaction to a robbery was "Oh thank god! Finally!"

After a lovely time at the beach today, I returned to my car to go home. The floor of the front seat was strewn with stuff but my MP3 player was still there, so I didn't clue in right away. Then I noticed the passenger side doors were unlocked.

Everyone has told me that cars in Spain get broken into, especially foreign ones. I knew this and yet I kept things in my car. I could have very easily moved them into my bedroom, but I didn't. And given my reaction upon seeing them gone, I was obviously hoping someone would make the decision for me to get rid of them.

And what was taken?

• My knife set: No big deal. I had good use out of it.
• My winter trenchcoat and puffy vest: Both have gone through two winters with me and were beginning to look ratty (plus they took up so much space).
• My technology bits and bobs: This one stings a little. My backups are gone as well as the pictures on disk my sister sent me (but they are replaceable).

I'm amazed they didn't take the MP3 player, the most valuable item. They had turned it on, but maybe because the display is in English, they didn't know what it was. They also left me my books, tent and collapsible chair.

I've been meaning to go into Barcelona to get new headphones, so I'll go tomorrow and get some disks to create a recovery backup set now that my factory Windows disks are gone. I've also considered for a while to switch to Open Office which is downloadable, so I don't need any of my other Microsoft disks. Cables are easy to replace if I need to (I have all the ones I use with me). And finally, since I travel so much and carry everything with me, using an online backup system for my files makes a lot more sense. For the time being I'll use a section of my blog.

Someday Lessons:

• Reactions to situations can be different to what you expect them to be.
• Our subconscious desires often overrule conscious actions.

P.S. Fleur is fine. She just opened right up and let them in without damage (smart girl).

Toxic Relationships are Two-Sided

The couple from last week used me for their dramas. The danger wasn't real; I was just a good audience.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think anyone deserves to be hit and blaming the victim of abuse isn't kosher. But, choosing to play the victim role is something may people do. I did it for many years.

The woman in this relationship chose the victim role. Just as I used to say to others, she said to me: "I know this isn't good. I used to not understand why anyone would be in this situation, but I can't leave him." When I would say that I'd mean: "I am not financially or culturally tied to this toxic relationship, but I can't leave because <sigh> I love him." Of course I wasn't in love. I was getting other needs met. I was succeeding at being a good martyr.

The woman has been in this relationship for over a year during which time, things haven't escalated. She still chooses to stay. There are many reasons for it, and I don't judge her for that. What I am judging is their choice as a couple of using my goodwill to pull me into their struggle.

I stayed because I was worried for her safety, and yet every time I removed myself from the fighting (by going to my room and closing the door, for example), one or the other of them would do something that demanded my attention and encouraged me choose to get involved.

Sometimes the cliché of "it takes two to tango" is true. And why tango without an audience?

If this sort of thing ever happens again (and I seriously hope it doesn't), I now know what I will do. I will leave. I will offer a way out physically for the victim and if the offer is declined, then I will still leave. And that doesn't make me a bad or uncaring person. It makes me smart.

Someday Lessons:

• Remove yourself quickly and completely from other people's dramas.
• You are not responsible for the choices others make.