Someday Syndrome

The Power of Listening

Yesterday I had my appointment with the homeopath. On the surface, he did nothing different from the doctors I've seen here. I arrived, we talked, he gave me a prescription and told me to come back a month after I've finished the pills.

However, he listened to me. We spoke for almost an hour, quite leisurely and thoroughly about all aspects of my life, not just about the specific symptoms in my stomach. He asked questions and paid attention to the answers. He also appreciated it when I offered information that came into my head at a tangent. There was no line waiting, there was no pile of prescription forms waiting to be printed off. In fact there were no forms at all!

I don't blame the doctors I've seen. The fault lies in a system that has too many users and not enough funding. When I visit my doctor, I have a five or ten minute appointment and my doctor's primary objective always appears to stay as close to being on schedule as possible. This type of environment only encourages a lack of listening because everything needs to be solved in a matter of moments, invariably with some sort of drug.

When I start to take my homeopathic pills, I don't know if they will make me feel better or not, but in a way that doesn't really matter. I already feel better just knowing that someone really paid attention to what's going on in my body instead of throwing medication at symptoms and rushing me out the door.

Someday Lessons:

• Deep focused listening is a skill not many people practice.
• A really good listener has the power to heal.

Twenty Years of Alex

Yesterday I felt cranky and crampy, so the arrival in the mail of a disk containing a whole lot of photos from my dramatic youth perked me right up.

My oldest (she's only 40!) longest (she's kinda short actually) – the friend that I've had the longest (since I was six) scanned in all her photos from our wild rebellious youth and sent them to me. Since I'm still not totally up to snuff yet (but feeling much better thanks), I'll entertain you with a collage of photos from 15-20 and 24, 32 and 35.

Enjoy – feel free to point fingers and laugh!

Someday Lessons:

• Never take yourself too seriously.
• Don't look back at your past and say "I'm so embarrassed!" Instead say "What an experience!"

Click on the image to view it in a larger size.

Someone Else's Writing

Those of you who were here last summer will remember that my sister took over for me while I was on holiday. Now she has her own blog (sometimes shared with her boyfriend, man, spouse, significant other?).

Today she posted a great topic about marriage and about using life as a learning experience.

It's much better than anything I could come up with today, so go read it.

http://urbanpanther.blogspot.com/2008/04/mawage.html

Someday Lessons:

• Celebrate the successes of others as well as your own.
• When someone else says something really well, quote them - there's no need to come up with your own version.

A Cat in the Sun

I know I'm supposed to only use the bed for sleeping (and of course... no I won't say more - this is a family-friendly blog). Unfortunately, with my weird heartburn symptoms, I've pretty much lived in the bed for the past two weeks, which has played total havoc with my sleeping patterns.

I go to sleep not tired. I wake up in the middle of the night. I sometimes go sleep on our tiny sofa just for a change of scenery. And I always wake up stiff and exhausted.

Normally I refuse to nap during the day (to try to be more tired when I go to bed) but today I couldn't resist. The sun was shining for the first time in a while and there was some real heat in the air, so I took a towel and my MP3 player out to the terrace and napped in the sun for an hour.

I then went into work feeling rested plus I got a great start on my summer tan.

Someday Lessons:

• No cure is ever without its side effects.
• Sunshine makes me happy.

Monday Morning Blahs

After a fantastic early spring, normal weather for San Sebastian – rain, hail, and bone chilling cold – has returned. I went to bed last night nicely bundled up, but we didn't turn on the radiator. I ended up with a warm body and a cold head. By 3am, my sinuses started protesting and by 8am when I woke up, I was officially sick.

Raul made me breakfast and put the radiator right beside me on the sofa.

I'm going to take it easy today, and that includes no Someday Lessons. When we're sick, pampering is a good thing.

Surprise me! Make me laugh!

What makes something memorable? Surprise works. Often a clever surprise will make someone laugh and by combining those two you create longevity.

Just look at this Spanish commercial. The first time I saw it, I laughed for about five minutes. It's not just the surprise that made me laugh. It's the music too. Whenever I hear the music I start singing and dancing along with it.

All this and the commercial isn't even targeted at me!

Enjoy!

Someday Lessons:

• Laughter and surprise are memorable.
• When something makes you laugh, share it with others.

First Impressions: Right and Wrong

Today I'm the featured Canadian Abroad in the Toronto Star.

I'd written this interview a while ago, so I'd forgotten what I'd said. It was interesting to go back and read it again.

What I wrote were my first impressions about Spain and coming from hugely multicultural Toronto, I found that Spain is still relatively monocultural. That first impression is still true.

However, my other first impression, that Spanish people don't work as much is completely wrong. Yes, they aren't as driven as most North Americans, but the hours they work are often longer and more tiring than most Canadians would put up with. I'm fortunate that I don't currently have to take part in that, as with my competitive North American nature, I'd kill myself with being the Best-Worker-Ever!!!

It's not that Spanish people don't work. They do, but it doesn't define them. I've yet to meet someone here who defines themselves by their occupation the way we North Americans do.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't get trapped by first impressions - be open to changing your opinion.
• Does what you do for a living define who you are?

Why I Love My Boyfriend

Last night Raul said to me: “You always forget to put water in the dishes. It takes just a second and it makes washing the dishes later much easier.”* He was right, but I didn't say so. Instead I went on the defensive. I came up with excuses as to why I'd forgotten this time when the reality was yes, I had simply forgotten to do so. We worked it out, but only after experiencing irritation on both sides.

Then this morning Raul left his breakfast dishes sitting out, the milk and cereal drying in them. I sent him a very polite message saying that if he was going to ask something of me that he should be willing to do the same, or he'd really piss me off.

He texted me back right away saying: “You're totally right. I'm sorry.”**

No defensiveness, no excuses. A simple agreement and an apology.

I can learn a lot from this man.

Someday Lessons:

• When someone suggests something, don't dismiss it or get defensive. They might just be right.
• We all hate to be wrong, but life goes much more smoothly when we're big enough to admit to our faults.

* In Spanish.
** Also in Spanish.

Soaking in Hot Sea Water

Tomorrow Raúl and I are going to San Sebastian's thermal baths. You have absolutely no clue how much I'm looking forward to the visit.

This week I started taking Caprylic Acid pills. It's an anti-fungal. The pills accelerate the die-off of the Candida. Unfortunately die-off produces a lot of pain. Think of it. My body is now full of dying yeast. As it dies, it releases toxins. Toxins produce pain.

Coming home from work, I have to climb about 100 steps, a very steep hill and then the six flights of stairs. Yesterday I was okay on the 100 steps. The steep hill exhausted me and the six flights of stairs nearly made me weep.

The last time I went through this (nearly five years ago), I would feel better by having a nice hot bath. Since our bathroom is only four feet wide and we only have a shower, I can't do that in our Txikihome.

So several hours in thermal baths – yeah I need that right now.

Someday Lessons:

• The road to happiness can detour through pain sometimes. Stay the course.
• When going through a rough patch, find little things to keep your spirits up.

The Fog Begins to Clear

Last week I started an anti-yeast diet. Today I finally feel good. Last week I was cranky, irritable, judgmental, and hurt everywhere. Thinking was difficult and I felt there were wads of cotton between me and the world. Today my mind is clear and my body is (mostly) pain-free.

The sugar cravings drove me crazy. They still do, actually, but having gone through the worst of the detox symptoms, I'm not about to give in and have to start all over!

I'm through the worst but staying on the diet won't be easy. Temptations abound! Fortunately as I continue to feel better, the cravings will fade. They'll never go away, though. Over the years I've conditioned my body to like certain things, like bread and cheese and sugar. I'll always crave them and for the rest of my life I'll have to monitor and moderate their intake.

Someday Lessons:

• Gratification and happiness are two different things.
• Happiness is not automatic – it takes vigilance to maintain it.

I Couldn't Do It

After four years away from a job-job, I couldn't stand working for someone else.

Last Thursday I decided that I would quit my job and go back to being self-employed. I didn't change my entire life to go back to doing something that I don't want to do.

Then Friday this decision was advanced because I spun out on the highway and damaged Fleur. I'm fine and the car is drivable, but not on highways. And since I can't drive to work, I have to quit.

Fortunately I've already found a website writing contract that'll cover the basics and I'm actually looking forward to rebuilding my business. This time I'll know exactly what I want and how to go about getting it.

Someday Lessons:

• Life can end at any moment. Are you living the life you want?
• Pursuing happiness needs constant vigilance against backsliding into fear-driven actions.

A Visit Inside Alex

The birth of Spanish-Alex approaches. This morning I picked up my social security number. Later today I sign my work contract and next week I have an appointment for my residency card. Every Alex inside me is eager to welcome this new addition to the pack.

Speaking of happiness, Writer-Alex is distressed because he can't describe how happy we all are right now.

One other Alex is complaining too: Enviro-Alex. My job (teaching English in businesses) requires that I drive a lot, about 1000km a week. Enviro-Alex rails against this but Negotiator-Alex has  soothed him by promising to donate a portion of our earnings to an environmental group. And when Financial-Alex says it's okay, we'll buy a more environmental-friendly car.

Someday Lessons:

• Sometimes compromises are necessary – just make sure it's not too much.
• Take stock of the various yous periodically. Is everyone happy?

And It All Comes Together

I have work!

It's not yet a job, but tomorrow I'm working for two hours.

Today I had an interview at a language school. The director asked me to come back in January to conduct a class so that he can examine my teaching skills. If he likes what he sees he will likely offer me a contract.

Of course I'm going to knock his socks off.

He also told me that if I was willing to take whatever was offered at first, he'd make sure he would offer me more later.

Of course I said yes.

On my way home from the interview I got a call from one of the school's campuses asking me if I was available to substitute for two hours tomorrow (at 7:30 and a 4:00).

Of course I'm going to do it.

My worrying and whining in November were for naught. A day after classes ended, we found an apartment. Within a week I was offered work with a good chance of a job soon.

And I'm so happy that my fears were proved wrong.

Someday Lessons:

• A little bit of fear motivates; too much paralyzes.
• When things are going well be properly grateful.

What I'll Do For Love...

I´m going to the Spice Girls concert in Madrid!

Those who don´t know me might be thinking “woo-hoo!” while those who do know me are certainly thinking “what the...?”

You see, Raul and I are going to be in Madrid just before Xmas, the weekend the Fab Five are going to be playing one of their few world tour gigs. Now, I'm not a big fan, but Raul adores them. So we bought tickets. The concert will be amusing, but won't be worth the 50 euros I spent.

But I'm going, looking forward to it even.

There is no way I'm going to miss watching Raul enjoy himself, seeing one of his favourite English bands, sharing with him one of the highlights of the year. For that I'd pay 200 euros.

Someday Lessons:

• Happiness is sneaky. You might find it lurking under something quite unappealing.

Rediscovering Cooking

I grew up with salted butter. I didn't like butter last year. The French prefer their butter unsalted, which I find too bland and sweet. But the Spain sells its butter salted, making me happy. Salted butter is so good in soup. I cut the Spanish butter into three pieces and drop it on top of a pot of watery squash, potato and onion.

Plugging in the hand whisk, I lower the blade directly over one of the slices of butter. I turn on the mixer just as the blade touches the butter. I lower the blade farther and it cuts into the softened squash and potato. A paint company would a name for the resulting colour, but to me it's just pale buttery orange.

I pump the whisk up and down many times, smoothing out the lumps and emulsifying the butter. I come close to adding a drop of drool as I picture tasting the soup.

Impatient to eat, I drop the power-whisk in the sink. I'll clean it later. I pour half the soup into a large mug, grab a spoon and sit down at the table. I let the aroma of the soup tease me, while I open Nigel Slater's Appetite, one of my favourite books. It's a cookbook, but it doesn't read like one. He reminds me that cooking is simple and need only contain a few flavours. Like this soup: squash, butter and a hint of salt.

I open the book to a random page and start reading. I lift the spoon and taste the soup. Mmmm...

Someday Lessons:

• Savour those activities you really enjoy, appreciating each moment of them.
• The return of simple pleasures, like cooking, mean so much more when you haven't been able to pursue them.

P.S. Yes, the Someday Lessons are back. I missed them.

Slightly-Obnoxious Opinion Week Day 6

I spent last night with my (now) former organizing colleagues. I enjoyed being a business owner and I enjoyed organizing, but I hate running the business on the day to day level.

Statement Six: Learn the difference between working towards happiness and just slogging forward, or you'll just end up unhappier than when you were merely comfortable.

Are We Related, or What?

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support for my (non-existent) 24-hour breakup. Things with Raul are great. We did not experience a blip in the relationship.

My sister and I have similar writing styles, and so we confused all of you.

I will pass all your support along to her.

Plus, I've changed where the "posted by" tag goes so you'll all now find it much easier to see which one of us is writing, since obviously our writing itself isn't distinct enough to tell you that.

Toronto Tourist

I didn't need a reminder that Toronto isn't my city any longer, but I got one last night anyway.

My parents dropped me off at the subway after a great week with them, my sister and one of her kids in Maine. Although I had a fantastic time, I was looking forward to getting back to the city.

But it's the Labour Day weekend. No one else is in town.

So I went out on my own, figuring I would see people I knew.

Wrong.

I recognized a few faces, but didn't know anyone. In just a year, Torontonians have become as unknown to me as the residents in any city I've visited.

Accepting Help

The other day, I wrote about not being strong, about allowing myself to feel sad. I ended the entry with: "At least I'll be seeing Raúl tonight and I'll be able to get a nice comforting hug."

I've decided to blame him for my down day.

You see, as a single person, I made myself stay strong. I had to be my own support. I couldn't afford to feel blue. Once started, I might not have stopped. So no matter what happened I stayed positive and looked for the good in everything.

I did rely on friends somewhat, but I could only ask for so much from them. Now, however, I have this man who has stirred up romantic (and lustful) feelings. He wants to be supportive. He asks to help.

So with gratitude, I let myself feel blue, knowing that he will console and conjole me into feeling good again.

Someday Lessons:

• We don't always have to be strong. We can let others help.
• Don't expect people to be supportive, but appreciate them when they are.

Ending Instability

A year and a day is a standard length of time for curses (or cures) to last in fairy tales. I will arrive back in Canada exactly a year and a day after I left.

In other words, last year I cursed myself with an unstable life.

As the curse winds down, I become anxious for it to actually end. Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of staying in Canada after my planned two-month visit. I will find my stability by putting down roots here in Europe, not Canada.

I did grow rootlets during my eight months in Sauveterre de Bearn. However, I never let them develop into full roots because I knew I'd never stay there. It's a wonderful village with amazing people, but ultimately it's too small for me.

Now, I have fallen in love with Spain, with its culture, its land, and its people. When I return in October, I plan to take intensive Spanish lessons then find myself a job. Exactly where, I don't know. I can decide that later. It's enough at the moment to know that the rootlets I yanked out of the ground when I left France will finally be allowed to thicken and deepen in Spanish soil, giving me back my stability.

Someday Lessons:

• When things need to end, end them. Don't prolong unhappiness.
• Follow your happiness, even if it takes you to unexpected places.

Needing Community

I've met a lot of men in my life. I've dated many of them. From that, I've learned through process of elimination what I like in a man and how rare it is to find that. Since arriving in France last August, I've given myself one guideline when it comes to dating: I will not make a choice as to where I'm going to be solely based on liking a guy.

But now I'm not sure I want to live as a nomad. Despite the romance and attraction of traveling, seeing new places and meeting new people, I've realized that I need a community. As I head into the countdown to visiting Toronto in August, I find that I miss a sense of community more and more.

I need to put down some roots.

So, I took away that stipulation. I decided to open myself to anything.

Last night, to celebrate Toronto's Pride Weekend, I went into San Sebastian for their (significantly smaller) version of Pride. I went at the invite of one of the DJs at this fiesta (which basically was a dance in a community hall for 800 people). The DJ and I hit it off really well, comfortably talking in broken Spanish and English as we danced. In fact, the fiesta turned into breakfast and lunch together today.

It might also include following him to Madrid for a couple of days next weekend as it's likely the only time we'll get to see each other before I leave for my Eastern Europe trip (which then flows into my two month Canadian visit).

With sympathetic connections happening so rarely, I refuse to let something slide me by just because I have (supposed) plan.

Someday Lessons:

• Be willing to change your dreams as you gain new experience.
• Spontaneity can be fun, but remember not to allow yourself to be hurt when plans don't work out as expected.

Revisiting The Obvious

A playing child interrupted by an adult screams cliché. I still get value from it though. It forces me to see the world as a place of wonder. The interrupting adult reminds me not to let others take that wonder away from me.

Each brick in the sidewalk had twenty sides, angling back and forth. Paul's foot just fit over one of them. What feet had this shape? You could line up everyone's feet in a row and they would all fit together. That would be cool.

Paul put a hand over a brick. No. Feet could change, but hands couldn't. Hand needed fingers.

The brick under Paul's hand shook with a small tremor. The other bricks started shaking as well. The ground was loosening under the sidewalk, under Paul. Instinctively, he knew that he had to find the four bricks that wouldn't move to save himself. And he only had a minute to do it in.

He couldn't know for sure which ones were safe. He had to guess. If he was wrong, he'd die. Who knew how deep the pit below him was going to be. Plus landing on a pile of fallen bricks had to hurt.

The edges were probably safest. He reached back and gripped two of the outside bricks. He then slid his feet forwards until he decided he'd found the safe spots. The four bricks felt more solid than the rest.

Paul then tried to lift his butt off the ground. He couldn't do it. His hands and feet were too far apart. He would have to turn over but then he might forget which stones were safe. He tried lifting his butt one more time. Nope. No use. He would have to flip.

The other bricks were really beginning to shake now. The ones under his butt started to sag.

No time left.

Scrambling quickly over the crumbling stones, Paul frantically grasped for the safe ones.

"Paul, get up," he mother said. "The sidewalk is filthy."

Someday Lessons:

• If you pay attention, you can learn from even the biggest clichés.
• Tomorrow, take an ordinary situation and turn it into a life or death adventure.

The Not Writing Blues

I've not worked on my novel recently. And I've not worked on another non-fiction writing project. And I have a great rationalization as to why not.

You see, I live right now with an English couple, which means that we speak English in the house and I don't learn Spanish. Therefore, if I want to learn Spanish, I have to leave the house and interact with local Spanish people. In the last week I've done coffee & dinner, dinner, coffee, and drinks & dinner. I ended the week at the beach Saturday and Sunday. Seven days in a row of practicing Spanish means I can speak it much better. I still can't understand much, however.

I tell myself that I'll focus on my writing next month at my next placement. The man at the next place speaks only French and Spanish. I won't need to leave the house to learn the language. I can stay home and talk to him. I can also get back to writing and editing.

But I kid myself. I don't write because after reading agent and editor blogs, I have decided that no one will want to publish me, so why bother.

Did you catch that? Yes, another rationalization.

Honestly, I don't write because I procrastinate too much. I don't push myself and I give up too quickly. But I don't worry. I will finish the book and I will get back to the other writing project.

I just need to kick myself in the butt and do it.

Someday Lessons:

• If you resist doing something, look past the "reasons" for not doing it and ask yourself if you are simply procrastinating.
• Becoming aware of procrastination is often enough to put a stop to it.