Someday Syndrome

Resisting the Peanut Butter

I've always believed that I lack willpower. I just can't make myself do things I don't want to nor NOT do things I do want to.

I have all the things I need for super success in whatever I do: ambition, drive, talent (modesty) - everything except willpower. I'm not as successful as I could be because I lack willpower. It's inherent and unchangeable.

(Un)fortunately that's a complete lie. How do I know that? Because I've discovered I do possess willpower over what I eat. With my severely limited diet, I could cheat easily. No one would know if I bought a donut or devoured a bag of potato chips. I simply choose not to because I remember the nine years of pain I used to live in and was beginning to feel again.

Yesterday for example I had a terrible craving for peanut butter and Ritz crackers, my mainstay childhood food. I could taste the smooth sweetness of the Kraft PB, the buttery saltiness of the Ritz. I felt the cracker snap and flake as my teeth bit into it, the peanut butter sticking my tongue to the roof of my mouth.

Later in the day I walked past a bakery and decided I would be willing trade my soul for a soft, chewy peanut butter cookie that would coat my mouth with floury goodness.

I managed to resist both, however, without much drama. I have no desire to live the rest of my life in pain, so denying myself sweets and processed foods for six months every five years is easily doable.

So yeah, I do have willpower - when I find something important enough. Does it mean then that I find very few things important? Or that I'm just lazy?

Someday Lessons:

• Willpower is not inherent - it's a choice, like almost everything else in life.
• Pain and discomfort often motivate change better than anything else.

Someone Else's Writing

Those of you who were here last summer will remember that my sister took over for me while I was on holiday. Now she has her own blog (sometimes shared with her boyfriend, man, spouse, significant other?).

Today she posted a great topic about marriage and about using life as a learning experience.

It's much better than anything I could come up with today, so go read it.

http://urbanpanther.blogspot.com/2008/04/mawage.html

Someday Lessons:

• Celebrate the successes of others as well as your own.
• When someone else says something really well, quote them - there's no need to come up with your own version.

The Blogger's New Clothes

Raul's best friend is visiting this weekend. Many times he's told Raul that he would be happy to take any extra clothes off of Raul's hands (yes Raul has an extensive wardrobe).

Today therefore Raul and I went through all of his clothes still at his mother's place. Being the boyfriend I got first pick on anything I liked. So I now have a great new summer wardrobe and I didn't have to pay a penny!

Someday Lessons:

• Before summer starts have a clothes swap with friends.
• You don't have to spend lots of money to enjoy a new wardrobe.

On The Way to Work

I hope I'll never take my commute to work for granted.

Today I walked along the water's edge, clambered over seaweed covered rocks, dodged the incoming tide and lay on the beach in the sun for an hour listening to the Decemberists (The Crane Wife) before I went to teach class.

Can it get any better than that?

Someday Lessons:

• Even the most wonderful things become commonplace with enough repetition.
• Don't take the good things in life for granted. Stay in the moment and savour everything.

A Cat in the Sun

I know I'm supposed to only use the bed for sleeping (and of course... no I won't say more - this is a family-friendly blog). Unfortunately, with my weird heartburn symptoms, I've pretty much lived in the bed for the past two weeks, which has played total havoc with my sleeping patterns.

I go to sleep not tired. I wake up in the middle of the night. I sometimes go sleep on our tiny sofa just for a change of scenery. And I always wake up stiff and exhausted.

Normally I refuse to nap during the day (to try to be more tired when I go to bed) but today I couldn't resist. The sun was shining for the first time in a while and there was some real heat in the air, so I took a towel and my MP3 player out to the terrace and napped in the sun for an hour.

I then went into work feeling rested plus I got a great start on my summer tan.

Someday Lessons:

• No cure is ever without its side effects.
• Sunshine makes me happy.

The Arrogance of Experts

The antacid medication hasn't kicked in yet, so I didn't go in to work. I spent the day in bed except for half-an-hour when I went to see the doctor to get a note for my boss. While there I asked the doctor a few questions about the pain and about the candida problems I have, but unfortunately she gave me the typical western medicine response of "you're just the patient – you don't know anything."

If it weren't for the language barrier I would have pushed more, but then again I think I would have just been banging my head against a wall, which might have distracted from the acid-pain but wouldn't have been good in the long run. The doctor's attitude was the same I experienced when the medical community in Toronto told me that I had fibromyalgia and couldn't do anything about it. After living in pain for nine years I changed my diet and poof! all symptoms went away (for almost five years).

In other words I'm a little short on trust right now but in Spain people are assigned their doctors and can't look around for one they trust and feel comfortable with. Maybe I'll make a long distance appointment with my former naturopath in Toronto. He always paid attention to everything I told him.

Someday Lessons:

• All too often, the more people know, the less the listen to others.
• Ultimately, you are the only true advocate for your health.

Making Progress Happen

I don't like to work. Since the worsening of my acid reflux, my desire to work has totally died. I do, however, want the results of working. I want the finished products, which means I have to work, no matter how much I don't want to.

Fortunately I have a plan for when I'm in this "I don't want to work" mode. I work for 20 minutes then do something else for 10, like watch a bit of a TV show, or shower, or wash dishes. I try to mix up getting away from the computer in the non-working time so that I don't become a complete sloth.

My easily distracted self can cope with 20 minute work intervals and actually once I get into something I often work for 30 or 40 minutes without stopping.

Someday Lessons:

• Future-goals and now-desires might conflict. Decide which is more important and change the other.
• If you struggle staying focused, break the day into chunks and ignore everything but the chunk of the moment.

Why Don't I Have Healing Powers?

With the help of medication and a bland diet, I'm beginning to feel better. I can still taste stomach acid, but it's not so all-consuming like last week. Unfortunately Raul is still sick with laryngitis. He's been at home for a week now and bored out of his tree.

As a problem-solving person, I want to DO something to make him feel better. Of course I can't. I can only do things to make him feel more comfortable. I make sure he's warm. I feed him fresh crepes with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. And of course I give him lots of hugs and kisses.

Through all this, I feel like I'm not doing everything I can. I should be able to fix this. Everything should be fixable. And I take it as a personal offense that it's not.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't beat yourself about things that you don't have the power to change.
• Learn to accept that sometimes you can't do anything to help others.

More Detox (Not Fun)

I discovered this week that I needed to detox from the high-fat diet I'd been consuming recently. What does that mean?

Pain, messed up sleep patterns, random emotions jumping out at any moment, and a general feeling of disconnectedness.

I can only hope this passes more quickly than the last detox two months ago.

Someday Lessons:

• Life is spiral: things repeat, but never in quite the same way.
• Sometimes you just need to wait out the storm, trying to stay as dry and warm as possible.

More About Alex

Every once in a while I get an email from someone with a list of questions with a request to answer them, then send the list out to everyone you know and copy the sender.

Most of the time I ignore them, but this last one (from my fourth-cousin once-removed) I'm posting here so that everyone can get to know me a little better.

Enjoy!

Someday Lessons:

• No one ever knows everything about someone.
• If you want to be truly happy, share your life and thoughts with others.