Someday Syndrome

Stolen Sense of Peace

Today someone stole Raul's wallet. It had no money, he noticed within an hour, and he canceled all his cards. There was absolutely no gain for the thief and yet Raul didn't find the wallet anywhere nearby, discarded for being useless.

The only outcome is inconvenience for Raul. He had to go to the police station and he had to call the bank. He'll have to take time off work to replace his national ID, health and social security cards. He will also have to spend a long time regaining a sense of security about the world.

All for nothing on the part of the thief who only takes away from the world and yet doesn't gain anything for himself.

Someday Lessons:

• What might seem like an easy win often turns out empty.
• Trust can be broken in the blink of an eye.

Resisting the Peanut Butter

I've always believed that I lack willpower. I just can't make myself do things I don't want to nor NOT do things I do want to.

I have all the things I need for super success in whatever I do: ambition, drive, talent (modesty) - everything except willpower. I'm not as successful as I could be because I lack willpower. It's inherent and unchangeable.

(Un)fortunately that's a complete lie. How do I know that? Because I've discovered I do possess willpower over what I eat. With my severely limited diet, I could cheat easily. No one would know if I bought a donut or devoured a bag of potato chips. I simply choose not to because I remember the nine years of pain I used to live in and was beginning to feel again.

Yesterday for example I had a terrible craving for peanut butter and Ritz crackers, my mainstay childhood food. I could taste the smooth sweetness of the Kraft PB, the buttery saltiness of the Ritz. I felt the cracker snap and flake as my teeth bit into it, the peanut butter sticking my tongue to the roof of my mouth.

Later in the day I walked past a bakery and decided I would be willing trade my soul for a soft, chewy peanut butter cookie that would coat my mouth with floury goodness.

I managed to resist both, however, without much drama. I have no desire to live the rest of my life in pain, so denying myself sweets and processed foods for six months every five years is easily doable.

So yeah, I do have willpower - when I find something important enough. Does it mean then that I find very few things important? Or that I'm just lazy?

Someday Lessons:

• Willpower is not inherent - it's a choice, like almost everything else in life.
• Pain and discomfort often motivate change better than anything else.

The Blogger's New Clothes

Raul's best friend is visiting this weekend. Many times he's told Raul that he would be happy to take any extra clothes off of Raul's hands (yes Raul has an extensive wardrobe).

Today therefore Raul and I went through all of his clothes still at his mother's place. Being the boyfriend I got first pick on anything I liked. So I now have a great new summer wardrobe and I didn't have to pay a penny!

Someday Lessons:

• Before summer starts have a clothes swap with friends.
• You don't have to spend lots of money to enjoy a new wardrobe.

The Arrogance of Experts

The antacid medication hasn't kicked in yet, so I didn't go in to work. I spent the day in bed except for half-an-hour when I went to see the doctor to get a note for my boss. While there I asked the doctor a few questions about the pain and about the candida problems I have, but unfortunately she gave me the typical western medicine response of "you're just the patient – you don't know anything."

If it weren't for the language barrier I would have pushed more, but then again I think I would have just been banging my head against a wall, which might have distracted from the acid-pain but wouldn't have been good in the long run. The doctor's attitude was the same I experienced when the medical community in Toronto told me that I had fibromyalgia and couldn't do anything about it. After living in pain for nine years I changed my diet and poof! all symptoms went away (for almost five years).

In other words I'm a little short on trust right now but in Spain people are assigned their doctors and can't look around for one they trust and feel comfortable with. Maybe I'll make a long distance appointment with my former naturopath in Toronto. He always paid attention to everything I told him.

Someday Lessons:

• All too often, the more people know, the less the listen to others.
• Ultimately, you are the only true advocate for your health.

Too Much of a Good thing

What's up with multiple blog posts in a single day? Two of my favourite organizing sites: Unclutterer and the Apartment Therapy group of blogs have decided that as many as three, four or five posts in a single day is a good thing.

I know that they have lots of information and that the site is designed to create income for the blog owners. Therefore lots of visitors who can see lots of different topics would seem like a good thing. However, I'm on the edge of no longer visiting the sites. I feel that I just don't have the time to scroll through the very visually busy site to read the various pieces for the day.

When Unclutterer started, I loved the simple, snappy posts. Now the articles are quite long, which means more work finding the latest entries. The Apartment Therapy group of sites have become visually cluttered as well as informationally cluttered, making me wonder if I should offer them my own organizing services.

It's all too bad really. I had been enjoying them so...

Someday Lessons:

• More of a good thing often creates a bad thing.
• Improvements without thought aren't improvements.

A Someday Interview

My Blog Friend and former fellow Professional Organizers in Canada Board member, Janet Barclay of the blog From the Desk of Janet Barclay tagged me to write an interview with myself. So, here goes:

What is the story behind the name of your blog?

Most people suffer from Someday Syndrome in some form. It has three common ways of manifesting itself: I might need it someday, I'll get around to it someday and someday my ship will come in.

Why did you start blogging in the first place?

I'd been meaning to start a blog since 2004, but could never think of anything interesting to say. Then in 2006 when I decided to pursue my childhood dream of living in Europe and writing, I realized I finally had something to say. Surely I wasn't the only one who had been living with the idea that “someday” I would do something that I really loved doing instead of just going through life.

What is your best blogging experience?

Hearing that I've touched other people's lives. I often get comments or emails from people who tell me that they are on the way to getting rid of the word someday from their lives and that my blog has helped them focus on what they really want.

So far the worst experience?

Honestly I can't think of a single bad blog experience. Everyone has been super positive and super supportive.

What do you think will happen to your blog in 2008?

The blog started about with me making a grand gesture – living in Europe to write without working and without knowing where I'd end up. Now it's turning into a smaller journey, figuring out how to keep the sense of wonder and the constant pursuit for happiness in the face of day to day settled-down life.

Who I’m tagging:

Hmmm.. I'm always really bad at tagging people so I'm going to leave it open to anyone who wants to continue it. Just let me know you've done it – I want to read what you've said!

Someday Lessons:
None. Enjoy a lesson-free day today!

Surprise me! Make me laugh!

What makes something memorable? Surprise works. Often a clever surprise will make someone laugh and by combining those two you create longevity.

Just look at this Spanish commercial. The first time I saw it, I laughed for about five minutes. It's not just the surprise that made me laugh. It's the music too. Whenever I hear the music I start singing and dancing along with it.

All this and the commercial isn't even targeted at me!

Enjoy!

Someday Lessons:

• Laughter and surprise are memorable.
• When something makes you laugh, share it with others.

First Impressions: Right and Wrong

Today I'm the featured Canadian Abroad in the Toronto Star.

I'd written this interview a while ago, so I'd forgotten what I'd said. It was interesting to go back and read it again.

What I wrote were my first impressions about Spain and coming from hugely multicultural Toronto, I found that Spain is still relatively monocultural. That first impression is still true.

However, my other first impression, that Spanish people don't work as much is completely wrong. Yes, they aren't as driven as most North Americans, but the hours they work are often longer and more tiring than most Canadians would put up with. I'm fortunate that I don't currently have to take part in that, as with my competitive North American nature, I'd kill myself with being the Best-Worker-Ever!!!

It's not that Spanish people don't work. They do, but it doesn't define them. I've yet to meet someone here who defines themselves by their occupation the way we North Americans do.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't get trapped by first impressions - be open to changing your opinion.
• Does what you do for a living define who you are?

Everything Changes

Last night I reconnected with the Internet from the sofa. Yes, after a very long wait, we have a connection to the wired world in our Txikihome. I no longer need to go down to an Internet café or to a bench at the mall to check emails and hold business meetings.

It also means, however, that I don't actually have to walk anywhere. I can just sit at home letting my middle-aged spread start a few years early. I figure that by the time I'm forty I can have a good computer hump and a few spare tires to replace the ones I lost when I gave away Fleur.

Okay, I'm so not letting that happen.

Raul pointed out this weekend that I'm a very active person mentally, but I need to do something with my body or my brain will explode from built up energy (or subject him to some fantastic soap opera style over the top dramatic diva fit).

So I have incorporated into my daily plan action breaks. It's not much. Getting up to doing laundry (hanging laundry over the interior courtyard balcony is a great stretch), going down to check the mail (and jogging up the 100 steps), etc. Every little bit counts and it gets me away from the computer for a few moments.

Someday Lessons:

• When one thing changes, it affects many others, so be aware of the ripples.
• How do you balance your mind/body workout needs?

Mythic Weather

March is tricky beast. You never know what it will be. Astrologically it's a fish or ram, slippery or aggressive. Weather-wise it's supposed to be a lamb or a lion, mewling or roaring.

This year, it first appeared as a butterfly, all pretty breezes and bright colours. Then it revealed its true form yesterday. Across northern Spain, heavy snows fell for the first time this year. In San Sebastian, we had driving winds (I could barely walk against them!), bouts of painfully cold and needle-sharp rain, and equally painful and cold hail stones.

What type of animal that's supposed to be, I'm not sure. Perhaps that's what's meant by coming in as a lion, but to me a lion is thunderstorms and bright flashes of lightning. Yesterday was more like a harpy: complaining, pursuing and vengeful. I spent most of the day hiding in doors under the covers, hoping she wouldn't notice me.

I just hope she goes away soon and lets the butterflies return. Butterflies are infinitely more pleasant.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't let expectations fool you. Pay attention to the reality of things.
• How you choose to look at the world changes how you interact with it.

Diving in to Description

I bought a REALLY BIG book this weekend, The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters by G.W.Dahlquist. It's 753 pages long. On the back cover, The London Paper says: “Think of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: its lurid plots, its murky pea-soupers. Now apply the production values of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, commission a re-write by the Marquis de Sade...”

Like Susanna Clarke's, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, this book is written in a historical style, but has a modern sensibility. These books attract me with their ingenuity and their ability to interest me despite long descriptive passages. Usually I gloss over description in novels, focusing on the emotion and the plot. I tend to read stories for the story, not for the setting.

In Dahlquist's book, however, the setting is part of the story. And because the book has a modern sensibility, I don't venture into typical Victorian doldrums.

Along with Jasper Fforde and Susanna Clarke, Dahlquist has become one of my favourite new authors of the decade.

Someday Lessons:

• Sometimes times knowing why you enjoy something adds to the enjoyment.
• Just because you normally don't like something, that doesn't mean you never will – be open to retrying experiences.

Breeding Familiarity

Yesterday I remembered that I live in a different country, speak a different language now, and have every intention of staying here a long time. I remembered that I'm living the life I want.

It made me quite giddy.

In the daily grind, it's easy to forget this joy. When I moved to San Sebastian, I worried about this blog. How was I going to keep it up when my life settled into normalcy, when life became routine?

But that's what most people live every day. Life isn't huge adventures, living out of a car or plunking yourself down in another country, another culture, without having to earn money. It's day to day details that dull joy and happiness.

So today, I want you to do something. I want you to appreciate your life. Even if you're not in a good place right now, find one thing that makes you happy and celebrate it. You don't need to shout it from the rooftops, but tell someone. Vocalize your happiness and make it real. Make it concrete.

Someday Lessons:

• Familiarity breeds not contempt but inattention. Stay aware of yourself.
• Familiarity also breeds comfort, often unhappy comfort. Don't let that be you.

Fishing the Text Sea

In Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series, the third book is called the Well of Lost Plots. It's the place where writers go to when they are creating stories. These are all the unpublished books, all the fragments of ideas that authors have had. And if they are left unpublished too long they are broken up for parts and the leftover letters go into the Text Sea to be reused by someone else.

I love this concept.

As part of my writing routine I've started doing daily writing exercises. I don't do them every day, but I'm aiming for most days. On the FM Writers forums I'm given a writing prompt. It can be anything, from having to write about a character needing to get past a vicious dog, to someone having the ability to shift at will.

The interesting thing is that I'm never at a loss for ideas. Sometimes when I'm feeling lazy I don't respond to a particular prompt, but I know that if I made a bit more of an effort, I'd come up with something. The pieces are always short, under 500 words, but they are enough to give me an idea of a world, of a situation that I could explore.

Every day I fish the Text Sea. With patience I catch enough letters to create an idea. Each idea then goes into the Well of Lost Plots and stay there until I decide to explore them further, or until I no longer want them and they go back into the Sea, ready for the next fisher/writer to come along.

Someday Lessons:

• Your creativity is boundless. It's just a matter of finding the right metaphor to access it.
• If you want to pull yourself out of routine, practice creativity regularly.

Off The Road Again

I'm a bad man. I'm selling Fleur for parts today.

She's been a good car and I've had a lot of fun with her despite her age. We've been together for a year now and have traveled over most of the Pyrenees, the French and Spanish sides.

In cutting back on income and expenses, however, a car does not figure into the monthly budget. I don't need a car. It is convenient to have one, though. Now trips need to be carefully coordinated, by train, by bus, by going with others. Raul and I will lose some of our freedom without a car.

However, I have a goal. I want to write fiction. This means less time for earning money (in the short-term). To reach this goal, I must give up some things and the car is one of them.

Someday Lessons:

• When you personify things, getting rid of them is harder.
• Clear goals make hard decisions easier.

Do You Know If You're Happy?

When I was younger and more dramatic I used to wallow in unhappiness (Okay fine, sometimes I still do indulge in a good bout of self-pity, but I try to stop it as soon as I notice what I'm doing). Now when I realize that I'm starting to get unhappy I look for the cause then change things.

A lot of people, however, know they are unhappy and don't do a thing about it. It could be a case of self-worth; they don't believe they are worthy of being happy. It could be inertia; easier to stay comfortably unhappy then make an effort to change. Or it could be fear; it's less risky to stay where you are than to aim higher and maybe fall lower.

These things I understand. Insecurity, inertia and fear are active. They are the results of being aware of life, even if they are negative. What I don't get, however, is people who never look at their lives. They don't actually know if they are happy or not. They don't just live with blinders on, hiding other possibilities, they don't even have their eyes open! These people seem to be content to go through life as if they were on a really long and boring car ride. Nothing interesting is supposed to happen and they hit the major milestones in life in the same way they'd stop off at service stations along the highway.

With this type of life, all I think is: “How sad.”

Someday Lessons:

• Live positively or live negatively, but be aware of your choices.
• You have one life – what are you doing with it?

Organizing a Small Home

In Toronto my house had 1000sq ft and quite often it felt small for one person. Now I live in 250sq ft with someone else and it's perfect. It's our Txikihome and with some creative organizing, it functions perfectly.

When setting up the place, we followed three simple rules:

1. Scale furniture to the space.
2. Make things multi-functional.
3. Use vertical space.

In the bedroom, we mounted shelves above the bed, use decorative boxes about the wardrobe and have under the bed storage as well (see after the jump).

In the living room, instead of buying a standard media centre, we bought two small pieces of an IKEA shelving system and mounted shelves above them. I own a laptop and Raul has a desktop. In the picture the desktop is missing but it will go to the left of the TV and we have a wireless keyboard and mouse so that Raul can use the computer from the sofa.

The most creative idea that Raul had was to buy two IKEA lamps that function as a movable wall, blocking the view of the sink from the sofa. When we need to make the living room larger, the lamps move into the kitchen. And when we have dinner guests, the wall moves into the living room.

Someday Lessons:

• Disorganization happens when you fail to plan.
• Small doesn't need to mean cramped.

Deliberate Decisions

Last week I started an online writing workshop. The exercises are fascinating and I'm learning a lot about my writing. The biggest thing I've learned is that I'm an instinctive writer. Yes, I plan and outline—a lot—but many of the choices I make, like point of view, voice, tense and intensity, I make without thinking about them.

Now, however, the exercises have made me aware of these choices and in the future I won't be able to make the decisions instinctively. I'll have to be more deliberate. Of course my writing will be better for it, but it also means that every piece I write from now on will take me much longer.

However, if I look back at my first novel, I can see that if I'd made more deliberate choices earlier on, I likely would have avoided the lengthy editing process that I now face. So, yeah, initial thoroughness is a good thing.

Someday Lessons:

• Make deliberate decisions. Don't let habit or laziness make them for you.
• Even if a deliberate decision reaffirms an instinctual one, at least you'll know for sure you were right.

Less Really Is More

Most books on financial lifestyle focus on earning more money. I once read a book about needing less. At the time I laughed at it. I was living in Toronto, with a mortgage, a new business that wasn't earning enough to live on, business development expenses and... well, you get the idea. My basic living minimum was nearly $3000 a month.

Now I understand. I still live in an expensive city (the second most expensive city in Spain), travel regularly, eat well and enjoy life. But I do it all on less than half of what I needed to earn in Toronto.

What's changed?

Mainly, my attitude. Before, I was looking to get rich. I wanted to create a model of business that would allow me to work less eventually. Now I live in the present and work less in the moment. I still have a plan for the future, but I don't care about becoming rich.

I focus on what I love doing, which is writing. Success is tied to how much I write: fiction, client work, blog work, etc, not how much I earn. I do track what I earn to make sure I'm bringing in what I need, but I'm not obsessed about it.

Instead I simply enjoy life.

Someday Lessons:

• What's important to you? Are you focusing on that or on what you think you need?
• If you don't know what's important to you, you're likely less happy than you could be.

P.S. Plus I have no dependents and I share expenses with Raul, making life much easier.

Choosing Excellence

Yesterday I told you how an agent is willing to reread my novel once I've edited it. But I learned my lesson from yesterday well. If I can't provide excellence then I'll wait until I can.

You see, I've decided to put the novel aside for now and start on my next project. Once I have a bit of distance from my first novel, I'll go back and tighten everything up.

Yes, this might mean that I lose an opportunity with this agent, but if I rushed the edit now, I'd not achieve excellence and the book would be rejected for a third and final time.

Someday Lessons:

• Maintaining standards sometimes means losing opportunities.
• Perfection isn't the goal – excellence is.

There is no Secret

I'm an existentialist. Nothing happens for a reason. We don't deserve anything that happens to us.

There is only choice: of action, of reaction and of attitude. There is no fast track to success. There is only vision, ambition and work.

Instant success does not exist, and when it seems to, if you look deeper, you'll either see many years of effort and clarity of purpose or a great deal of money supporting the success.

Someday Lessons:

• The only secret to success if consistent effort, long term ambition and clear vision.
• Your attitude towards life determines your likeliness of success.

Not Travel, Not Relaxing

Guess what? We´re not going anywhere this weekend.

That doesn´t mean, however, that we´re going to sit around the apartment doing nothing. This weekend is San Sebastian, meaning it´s the day of the city (January 20th) and so for 24 hours there will be drumming, drinking, dancing and general debauchery.

Should be fun!

Plus I also need to fit in some work, some writing, cleaning the house, having friends over for dinner, and prepping my classes for next week.

Someday Lessons:

• I´ll sleep when I´m dead.

Recognizing Privilege

Over the past two weeks, I think Spanish racism has served me well.

Many people told me horror stories about trying to get residency documents and working papers. Clerks were going to decide suddenly that I'd be missing something and have to try again. Or I'd wait for hours and then told to come back another day.

The reality couldn't have been more different.

Everyone was really helpful. I sailed through every appointment and I haven't had to wait for anything for longer than twenty minutes.

My being a white male with a British passport probably had a lot to do with this easy transition to Spanish residency. The English in Spain might be an annoyance to some, but to most others the English are infinitely preferable to the Romany, Moroccans, or Ecuadorians.

And unfortunately I'm far too much a realist to believe that everything was so easy solely because the Spanish government works more efficiently now.

Someday Lessons:

• Our level of privilege in society usually isn't a choice but it's important to be aware of it.
• Just because something is simple for you, don't assume everyone else will have an easy time.

Integrating into the World

Today's post was going to be about work. I was going to talk about my job, the company and the things that Organizer-Alex would change. Then I remembered that people regularly get fired for blogging about their workplace. Having just got the job, I have no interest losing it. So, I canned the idea.

In the year and a bit that I've been blogging, I've never had to think about self-censorship. Of course I have self-censored (there are some things the word just does not need to know about) but an external need to self-censor has never manifested.

I can't, however, let it affect the style of the blog. Please let me know if it does.

Someday Lessons:

• External requirements will sometimes change how you do things. Don't let them change you too much.
• Never say anything electronically (email, web) that you wouldn't want on the evening news.

Bringing the Fun In

I love watching people do what they love doing. On Friday last week, we went into Bilbao to see Fangoria in concert. Alaska (the lead singer) is a spectacular performer. Unlike the Spice Girls or Madonna, Alaska doesn't rely on big budgets to put on a good show.

And to be honest, although she can sing, Alaska does not have the voice of Sade. Fangoria cannot draw crowds solely to watch Alaska stand in the middle of an empty stage and sing.

Alaska and Fangoria draw crowds because they have fun. Raul's seen them four times in the past twelve months, on the same tour singing the same songs. And why so often? Because Alaska is infectious. You want to be around her. She has fun on stage and surrounds herself with other performers who like to have fun.

And who wouldn't want to be a part of that?

Someday Lessons:

• Do what you enjoy most and you'll draw other positive people to you.
• Having fun is a choice. What choice are you making?

You Can't Please Everyone

On an agent's recommendation, I sent my novel to an online writers' circle. Based on the first twenty-odd pages of the novel, I received feedback from one person telling me that it was one of the worst pieces of writing he'd ever read and wished he had the skills to help me correct the mess I'd made of the novel.

This type of feedback could crush me. Or I could dismiss it as coming from someone without any communication skills. Or I could argue with the guy, hoping to convince him that what I've written is good.

I chose none of those responses. I thanked him for his comments and asked as a part of my market research for his age.

Obviously not every novel appeals to every person. Many books that I think of as complete and utter crap are bestsellers, are considered works of literary genius, or both.

Still, being the sensitive artist that I am, this guy's words did sting. I want everyone to enjoy my writing!

Someday Lessons:

• You can't please everyone, so don't try.
• A person's negative reaction to something you do often has little to do with you.

P.S. I have received great feedback of the positive variety as well...

The Organizer Lives

As I said before, our apartment is small – very small (in Basque the word is txiki, pronounced cheeky). IKEA is perfect for txiki homes. So off Raul went to IKEA. He came back with a tiny sofa-bed, two wall-like floor lamps to divide the living space from the kitchen, three chairs, and a whole bunch of accessories.

Then last Thursday we went back together, spending two hours looking at TV/Computer storage options. After much discussion, we decided on two armoire extensions, four floating shelves and yet more accessories. By putting the armoire extensions on wheels and buying Raul a wireless keyboard and mouse, we've created a multimedia console in the living room that can be controlled from the sofa.

In January once everything is just right, I'll do a photo-post showing off how happy we are in our txikihome.

Someday Lessons:

• Small spaces require creative planning. Take time to think it through.
• Don't go for the first solution that comes to mind. The less obvious is often more fitting.

I Don't Deserve Anything

Last year I said that nothing happens for a reason. I don't believe that the Universe guides me or throws obstacles and rewards my way. I don't believe that any religious figure is helping me.

Life simply happens.

This belief is difficult to maintain when very bad or very good things happen. Take this week for example. Within five days of finishing my Spanish course, Raul and I have found an apartment, and I've found a job (yes, yesterday's work has been confirmed as a job – part time for now, building in the new year to full time).

If I believed that things happen for a reason, then I'd say that I deserve this, that my coming to Spain for love was the right decision because everything else is falling into place.

But I don't deserve any of it. There is no value judgment in what has happened. It simply is.

Of course, if I hadn't been open to the possibility of love, I wouldn't be in Spain. If I weren't the sort of person who was outgoing and talked to everyone, I wouldn't have found out about the apartment. And if I hadn't worked hard at securing the interview and impressing the boss, I wouldn't have found work.

The Universe didn't do anything. I did it, with the help of a lot of people around me.

Someday Lessons:

• No one deserves anything, good or bad.
• If you aren't open to new opportunities, then you'll never get what you want.

Life is Coincidental

Friday was my last day of class and a day for sharing food during the break. I took the time Thursday night to bake a dessert. After class, I went into the instructor's lounge to pick up the serving dish. The instructors wished me luck with the job hunt and the apartment hunt.

One of the instructors then said that she was moving out of her flat. Did I want to see it? It's small, she told me, but very cheap. So Saturday Raul and I went to look at it. It is small, about 300sq ft. The living room/kitchen is 8'x 15' and the bedroom is  9'x9'. In other words, it's about 1/3 the size of my house in Toronto (which most people considered small and quaint).

We took it.

It's on the 6th floor without an elevator, and has no heat (but it won't take much to heat the rooms with space heaters given how small the space is). But it's very cheap, is a 15 minute walk downtown and is on the top floor with a humongous terrace. Most places like this (or smaller) within city limits are at least double the price, so we're very pleased.

The organizer in me is excited by the challenge to make the place livable and feel spacious. Between Christmas and New Year's Eve we're going to go to Bilbao to do some IKEA shopping.

If I hadn't baked, I wouldn't have talked to the instructor, and we wouldn't have acquired a place to live.

Someday Lessons:

• All your actions have consequences; be open to using the consequences to your benefit.
• Pay attention to life carefully, or you might miss something really important.

The Last Day

Today was my last day of Spanish class. My introduction to Spain is over. As of Monday the job hunt officially begins.

Yesterday I was panicky; today I'm excited. Tomorrow I might be terrified, Sunday super happy and Monday in tears.

I've decided to just let the emotions do their thing. I'm not going to analyze them. I'm not going to stop them. I'm going to enjoy them. I've never immigrated to another country before. France was an extended holiday; Spain is an immigration. It's unlikely that I'm ever going to emigrate again to a different country, so I'm going to fully enjoy the emotions I´m feeling during this experience.

And there are a whole whack of emotions waiting to be enjoyed: fear, eagerness, alienation, frustration, joy, excitement, anger, love. Up until now I've been fighting my emotions, trying to focus on only the positive ones. But we all know what repression does. It just makes the repressed emotion strike back with more force. So when I'm afraid, I'll let myself be afraid. When I'm happy, I'll be really happy without worries. And when the world seems like a dark lonely place, I'll cuddle up next to Raul and ask for help.

Someday Lessons:

• Emotions exist for a reason. Feel them, don't bury them.
• Life is meant to be enjoyed, even the negative side of it. Whatever happens in your life, good or bad, savour it.

Discovering Patience

A friend asked me what I want. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next year. Today. What do I want at this moment?

I considered telling her that I want an apartment but that's not true. I don't want it right now. I have a place. I want the apartment in January. I then thought of telling her that I want to get published, but that's also a lie. I want to work on getting published, which I am doing right now. So I'm fulfilling that desire.

I want to be loved and to love, which I get with Raul, friends, and family. I want a job, and I will get one, but not today. I want to learn Spanish, to enjoy food, to explore Spain, to strive towards happiness, all of which I'm currently doing.

In other words all my current desires have been fulfilled. I want other things, but they are future wants.

Patience is recognizing the difference between current and future desires and setting aside the future desires until you are able to fulfill them.

Impatience is living in the future, desiring things now that will come later.

No wonder I've never had much patience. I've always lived in the future.

Someday Lessons:

• Separate current and future desires and you'll find you have succeeded in a lot more ways than you think you have.
• Many complicated issues in our lives have simple answers, if we find the right way to ask the question.

What I'll Do For Love...

I´m going to the Spice Girls concert in Madrid!

Those who don´t know me might be thinking “woo-hoo!” while those who do know me are certainly thinking “what the...?”

You see, Raul and I are going to be in Madrid just before Xmas, the weekend the Fab Five are going to be playing one of their few world tour gigs. Now, I'm not a big fan, but Raul adores them. So we bought tickets. The concert will be amusing, but won't be worth the 50 euros I spent.

But I'm going, looking forward to it even.

There is no way I'm going to miss watching Raul enjoy himself, seeing one of his favourite English bands, sharing with him one of the highlights of the year. For that I'd pay 200 euros.

Someday Lessons:

• Happiness is sneaky. You might find it lurking under something quite unappealing.

Defining the Line

What's the difference between having a positive attitude and setting yourself up for disappointment?

Last week I saw a want-ad in the newspaper looking for English teachers. I called on Friday and got a response on Monday. Yesterday I went for an appointment where I discovered that it wasn't a job interview, but a sales pitch. They wanted to sell me assistance an exam that would get me into the public service (a job for life in Spain). I left feeling bummed.

After the initial phone call, I was excited. I pictured myself as an English teacher. I envisioned the interview going well. I created a future where I got the job. In other words, I used the power of positive thinking/law of attraction to create a successful outcome. It was difficult not to feel really low when I found out the truth.

It could have been so easy to cry, given the build up. I chose not to, however. I decided to look at the appointment as a practice interview for a job. But I felt like I'd been on a really old and boring roller coaster: an exciting anticipatory high followed by a very quick but ultimately uninteresting drop.

So, dear readers, where's the line between positive thinking and expecting too much?

Someday Lessons:

• You tell me. What lessons should I derive from this experience?

Death to the Perfectionist

Last night I had a total meltdown. Because I don't understand everything right away, I was feeling stupid. And people with perfectionist leanings hate feeling stupid more than anything.

I don't doubt that my decision to move to Spain was the right one, but last night I asked Raul “What the f**k have I done?”

He told me that I'm too North American, that I need to think more like a Spaniard. Who cares about perfection? Who cares about being the best student in class? Who cares about knowing it all right now? Or making the most money? Or... or... or...

Of course, he's right. I moved to France (and now Spain) to change the life I had in Canada where I was working fifty to sixty hour weeks to barely get by. Where I was jealous of any organizer who received more media attention than I did. Where I felt that unless I was the best (i.e., the winner) then I was the worst (i.e., the loser).

In class yesterday we talked about working to live or living to work. I laughed at the thought of most Spanish people living to work and the professor agreed. Very few Spanish people think that way. It's such a Protestant Work Ethic (i.e., North American) mindset.

So, I'm going to stop pushing myself and I'm going to become more Spanish, caring less about being the best and caring more about actually enjoying my life.

Someday Lessons:

• Changing old ways of thinking can be hard, even when you want to.
• A really good cry can break through walls that determination and effort never will.

All Spanish All the Time

Today Raúl changes languages. No more English. I've asked him to switch to Spanish only.

Things are going to get annoying for both of us, but I expect especially for him. When I don't understand, he'll have to speak more slowly and think about another way to say something. If it were me, I'd just want to say it in English and get my meaning across.

This past weekend when we were talking about what to do, he pointed out that we'll have a lot more options when I can understand more Spanish. Right now we're limited to doing things that don't require a lot of comprehension on my part. Even going out with friends can be a bit boring for me as they talk slowly for about one and a half sentences then zoom! Off they go.

There is no end to my appreciation of Raúl. He is so generous to curtail his own social life a bit so that I'm not left bored or feeling abandoned. I have made it clear that if he needs outings where he's not worrying about me, then he should take them, definitely! I know I would.

Tomorrow will be the real test of this change to English. We're not getting together today. I just hope it's not too frustrating for either of us!

Someday Lessons:

• Difficult and/or annoying changes often need to be implemented if you want to achieve your goals.
• The easy way is not always the best way.

Willingly Self-Destructive

What do you do that's self-destructive? I know there is something. None of us is perfect.

My self-destructiveness centres around food. I don't mean weight-gaining food; I mean pain inducing food. I spent ten years misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia and lived in severe pain. It turned out to be a yeast overgrowth called Candidiasis caused by too many years of processed food, antibiotics (for acne) and too much wheat, sugar, dairy, alcohol, vinegar and mushrooms.

I don't consume much of the last four, but wheat and sugar? Recently, I couldn't get enough of them, even though they cause me pain. I could have pushed myself into a relapse and ended up living in constant pain again. But did I pay any attention to that? Ha!

It's time to kick myself in the butt and kick the wheat/sugar habit before I do myself some serious damage.

You?

A Bad Parent

Moving back to Europe this week meant abandoning my cats, again.

I first left them last August, then I abandoned them again while still in France. My sister had bought my car. After she drove it off, one of my cats, Killy (the calico) sat in the driveway for hours waiting for the car (and therefore me) to return.

Then on Wednesday I left once more. My other cat, Baron (the black and white) punished me by disappearing so that I couldn't say goodbye. Killy, however, let me smother her with affection.

I spent the last ten days of my Canadian visit at my parents' place. This included lots of time with my cats, but especially lots of Killy-time. She has a more monogamous nature, while Baron is more free with his affections. The day I arrived at my parents' in August, my mother remarked that it was the first time she'd seen Killy so happy.

I'm such a selfish man for leaving.

At least they're with their grandparents and I can still visit them.

It makes me slightly less bad, or so I keep telling myself.

Family, Money, Ego

Over the past year, I've enjoyed destroying my ego. I don't mean tearing away my sense of self; I mean excising that selfish, self-indulgent part of myself that is all caught up with honour, pride and “that's not fair!”

Recently I've been faced with two opportunities to destroy my ego further. In one situation, it was easy to do so. And the other... well, let's just say I intellectually understand it but still feel that world is a bit unfair.

First issue: in planning for my writing career, I considered what might I expect to receive from my parents. The answer is nothing. My parents could liquidate all their assets and go on a huge spending spree. Or (less fun for them) they could get sick and have to spend everything on medical bills.

If I were full of ego, I would demand that my parents think of us kids and that they ensure they leave us as much as possible. But that's never been my attitude, so there wasn't much ego to destroy there.

Next issue: when parents spend on their children, conflicts can arise and sometimes families are torn apart. Fortunately, barring the occasional whine, my brother, sister and I have managed quite well with what my parents spend on each of us. But recently I saw the issue from a different point of view. Spending on the next generation favours those who are married and have kids. Combine birthdays, Christmases and other gifts, and the family with the longest running spouse and the most kids always comes out ahead.

My ego tells me that if I had chosen to remain in a relationship, or had adopted (or stayed closeted, married and had kids), I'd have gotten more from my parents. Of course, that would have meant sublimating my happiness purely for financial gain, which is something I could never do. But because I chose to be single (and happier), I've somehow lost out.

My parents (like most) do their best to be fair. Unfortunately everyone sees “fair” differently. My parents make their choices and live with them, just as I've made my choices and my siblings have made theirs.

I have decided, however, that I will never question how my parents spend their money. It's theirs. They can do what they want with it, spending it on themselves or any of their children.

The Alarm Rosella

I got in from Nuit Blanche at 6am. I was a little underwhelmed by the event. It's a victim of its own success. There were just too many people. It improved after 1am when the bulk of people had gone home. I liked the art at The Gladstone and Kensington had a “write a fan letter to your favourite tree” exercise that should appear on some website somewhere at some point. I wrote a letter to a Cedar.

Except for a two hour beer break in the market, we walked non-stop from 9pm to 5:30am. Combine that with being slightly let down by the art itself, I was absolutely wiped when I finally went to bed. My friends have a bird, an Australian Rosella - Cheeky Monkey. She's beautifully plumed, whistles beautifully, and has personality coming out of the wazoo. She likes to whistle (piercingly) first thing in the morning. Before going to bed, I therefore let her out of her cage. Two hours later she decided I should get up. She pecked gently at exposed skin. I pulled the blanket over my head, but she sat on the highest part of the blanket, which was my face.

Needless to say, I got out of bed at that point. Having made sure I was up, Cheeky flew off and promptly ignored me for the next three hours.

Slightly-Obnoxious Opinion Week Day 4

This one is in honour of the season premiere of America's Next Top Model.

Statement Four: Sometimes dreams don't work out. Deal with the loss and get a new dream.

Looking into the Future

Last week, I visited my former business networking group, the Pride Business Network. At that meeting they were re-examining and restating their business goals. I might not be running my organizing business anymore, but writing is definitely a business. Any writer who thinks otherwise is unlikely to get published.

Here is what I came up with:

Part I: Goal Setting Questions
What do I really want? To get my writing published and for it to sell well.

How has my business changed? (better/not better) My new business (writing) makes me happy and I am passionate about it (so yeah, better).

How has my personal life changed? (better/not better) I'm in love, (soon to be) living in a country and city I love, (again, better.)

What's really important to me? What's the purpose of doing this? I will pursue happiness even when it's not easy because I won't live a life that's merely comfortable.

What am I prepared to give up making this happen? I'm doing what I love so there are no sacrifices.

What am I prepared to do to make this happen? Steady, constant work with lots and lots of patience.

Are We Related, or What?

Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support for my (non-existent) 24-hour breakup. Things with Raul are great. We did not experience a blip in the relationship.

My sister and I have similar writing styles, and so we confused all of you.

I will pass all your support along to her.

Plus, I've changed where the "posted by" tag goes so you'll all now find it much easier to see which one of us is writing, since obviously our writing itself isn't distinct enough to tell you that.

Love Lost

Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Isn’t that how the saying goes?  I suppose, but it doesn’t account for the pain and mixed bag of emotions that goes with a break up does it?  Still, there is something to be said for it.

Yes, sad but true, my Wonderful Man (WM) and I have parted ways. Or at the very least are slipping into a friendship, with no romance, expectations, or obligations.  Great guy, but needs time to work through a whole whack of stuff.  And that is going to consume a lot of his energy for a significant period of time.  I wish him all the best on the rocky journey he has ahead of him.

But back to better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.  I did learn things in this relationship.  Here they are.  1.  People are not honest with you because they are not honest with themselves.  WM was not honest with me about being ready to date because he wanted to believe he was ready.  This has taught me to learn about people through experience, not through their assessment of themselves. Next time, I’m not jumping in until I have done a thorough analysis of the man I’m dating.  2.  I actually do believe in marriage.  For the first time in 20 years, I actually envisioned myself being married.  I had convinced myself that I didn’t believe in marriage.  Turns out I do, very much so.  I just didn’t believe in being married to my ex, with good reason.  3.  I am quite traditional in what I want to do for a partner.  I want to cook meals for him. I want to wear heels and sexy tight jeans to look nice for him.  I want to bring him his beer and ask him about his day.  Who knew?  And finally, 4.  I am more than capable of loving someone fully and completely and being loved in return.  That I can hand my heart to someone on a silver platter and say here you go, hopefully you won’t break it, but I’m willing to take that chance.

So, I find myself single again.  I feel drained and tired, and I know I will miss the feeling of being loved.  But, I am not cynical.  Wiser for sure, but not cynical.  I can love and be loved back, and somewhere out there is someone who can love me freely and unabashedly.  I’ll just be doling my heart out on silver bread and butter plates, instead of that platter, until I am positive I have found him.

Urban Panther

Hedonism/Happiness, ho-boy!

I love to flirt. I love when guys flirt with me. I especially love to flirt with Raul. I can do that for days on end.

Raul-flirting, however, has its problems. We are 37 days away from seeing each other (yes, we're counting). Flirting with Raul makes me want to follow through on the flirtation. Follow-through is a bit difficult when we're on either sides of the Atlantic.

So, that makes me sad, and more than a little frustrated.

And that means I make extra sure that I don't flirt at all with anyone here. Normally my flirting is harmless and everyone knows it's not going to go anywhere. But right now I'm hair-triggered and even the tiniest flirt could get out of hand.

So, I avoid situations that might lead to flirting, which just adds to the frustration.

I always talk about pursuing happiness. Frustration is not happiness. Why then, am I choosing frustration when it could be so easy to make myself happy by just going out and getting a good flirt on?

Because I'm choosing happiness over hedonism.

Because the possibility of long term happiness with Raul more than makes up for a few more weeks of frustration.

Toronto Tourist

I didn't need a reminder that Toronto isn't my city any longer, but I got one last night anyway.

My parents dropped me off at the subway after a great week with them, my sister and one of her kids in Maine. Although I had a fantastic time, I was looking forward to getting back to the city.

But it's the Labour Day weekend. No one else is in town.

So I went out on my own, figuring I would see people I knew.

Wrong.

I recognized a few faces, but didn't know anyone. In just a year, Torontonians have become as unknown to me as the residents in any city I've visited.

Alex the Spazz

For over twenty-five years, I've read and walked at the same time, with never a single reading accident.

Until today.

While walking along Bloor Street in Toronto, I was reading the latest Jasper Fforde novel, First Among Sequels. Ffordes's books are VERY engrossing and well, the inevitable finally happened.

I walked into a concrete bench. I fell straight forward, fortunately catching myself on my hands.

Of course, I jumped up, muttered "how embarrassing" then limped across the street.

A block later, barely able to walk, I stopped and rolled up my pant legs. Two huge scrapes and a couple of very large bumps. I'm going to have two wicked bruises!

I then got back on the horse and finished my walk back to my friend's apartment open book in hand.

A New Direction

Changes underway! Both in look and in content. The blog is changing to reflect my writerly life and less of the organizing one.

I've also decided that I'm pretty much done with leading a navel-gazing life. The past year was great and I learned a lot about myself, but it's time to look up and out, not in. This means no more Someday Lessons. If you want to learn something, you'll have to pull it from the text yourself.

It also means shorter, less emphatically positive posts. Expect rawer soundbites that give you a glimpse into what I'm feeling and what's going on. And more bits of whatever I'm writing about fiction-wise.

Enjoy!
Alex

P.S. As the changes occur, let me know what you think. Feedback is always welcome.

All in a muddle

Hi, I’m back, and earlier than I thought I would be. Turns out I have stuff to say.  And some very kind people actually commented on my first blog, which is way cool! I mean, who knew that would happen? Now I know why Alex does this; it’s for the recognition factor – chuckle.

So, for those of you that follow my Urban Panther writings, you know my recent life story. For those of you who are new to me, a brief background on Elizabeth. Age 44, recently separated from her second long term relationship, experimenting with the online dating scene, in a high pressure IT job that she’s not sure she really wants, and an empty nester.   Okay, that brings you all up to date very quickly.

Add this all up and you get a woman who has to thoroughly examine her life, and find her raison d’etre.  To this end, I decided to undertake a spiritual journey, giving myself 40 weeks to do so. Yes, 40 to coincide with Jesus’ 40 days in the desert, because it seemed like a good number, and it’s one of the few Bible stories I remember.  The problem is I keep forgetting that I am giving myself 40 weeks, and I end up in a blue flunk. The laundry piles up, the dishes don’t get washed, the dust accumulates, the piano sits untouched, my groceries remain unbought, and my running shoes have forgotten what my feet feel like in them.

I was pointing out my complete state of disarray to a very dear and wise friend of mine, and he pointed out something to me.  He said there are people who do not have a raison d’etre and they fill their lives with people and tasks so they don’t have to think about it, which is okay.  Then there are those people, who do not have a raison d’etre, but they do chose to think about it, and that’s okay too.  I am choosing to think, he said.  LIGHTBULB!  Instantly my feeling of guilt about all the tasks piling up vanished. I, Elizabeth Fayle, am working on my raison d’etre, and the every day tasks in my life just might have to take a back seat for awhile.

The interesting thing is, now that I have made the conscious choice to focus on my journey, I actually feel like working on some tasks.  Today, for example, I bought some groceries, and made myself some lunch, which is likely a very good thing. Jesus might have survived on the Holy Spirit, but my blood sugar was seriously bottoming out.

Elizabeth/Urban Panther

Life lessons:
• When you are in a muddle, turn to a good friend to help un-muddle you
• There is power and enlightenment in choice