Someday Syndrome

Flaunting My Imperfections

I strive daily to destroy my ego, that part of me that whines when things don't go his way, that looks to push himself forward at every turn, and sings "lalalalalalala" when people offer criticism of any kind. You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure. We all have ego-issues.

When I approach a situation without ego, I don't get offended, I don't get stressed and I do end up feeling a lot more joy in my life. Everything goes much more smoothly and everybody's happy.

However, I've been doing something very British recently. I haven't been destroying my ego. I've been suppressing anger and I've paid pretty for it with a stomach full of acid. From here on in, therefore, I will continue with the ego-destruction for spiritual growth, but I'll start expressing anger, resentment, fear, and all those other "non-polite" emotions and comments when I feel them start to burn in my gut.

In fact, I'll revel in it and use the emotions to improve my writing. But of course I'll do it without being a bitch.

After all, there's no reason to be rude.

Someday Lessons:

• There's a big difference between letting anger go and repressing it.
• We are all imperfect people – it's okay to enjoy being petty sometimes.

On The Way to Work

I hope I'll never take my commute to work for granted.

Today I walked along the water's edge, clambered over seaweed covered rocks, dodged the incoming tide and lay on the beach in the sun for an hour listening to the Decemberists (The Crane Wife) before I went to teach class.

Can it get any better than that?

Someday Lessons:

• Even the most wonderful things become commonplace with enough repetition.
• Don't take the good things in life for granted. Stay in the moment and savour everything.

More Detox (Not Fun)

I discovered this week that I needed to detox from the high-fat diet I'd been consuming recently. What does that mean?

Pain, messed up sleep patterns, random emotions jumping out at any moment, and a general feeling of disconnectedness.

I can only hope this passes more quickly than the last detox two months ago.

Someday Lessons:

• Life is spiral: things repeat, but never in quite the same way.
• Sometimes you just need to wait out the storm, trying to stay as dry and warm as possible.

A Really Fun Friday

Today I did a small writing marathon and got a lot accomplished. I wrote for 20 minutes, then did something else (like watch TV, do dishes, eat breakfast, etc...) for ten minutes, 20 minutes writing, 10 minutes other. I did this from 8:30 to 2pm and got a lot more accomplished than normal.

After spending some time with Raul, I walked to work and marveled at my new city. I live on a BEACH! Yes, my walk to work included strolling along the edge of the beach in the spring sun. I mean, can a work commute get any better than that?

And now Raul and I are going out to his favourite restaurant in the city to celebrate the launch of OrganizingConnection.com and the completion of a thoroughly enjoyable and rewarding project.

Someday Lessons:

• Remember to celebrate the little things as well as the big ones.
• Don't let yourself grow blinders to what's around you – be a tourist in your own city.

P.S. Thank you to Cynthia from the Thoughtful Consumer for her kind words about this blog.

Wandering Through the Past

I have another blog-life outside of this one. I use it to practice my Spanish. It's called Fotolog. Raul introduced it to me. Each day we post a photo and add text to explain or enhance the photo (My Flog, Raul's Flog)

Today, Raul talked about Bananarama which reminded me of their first success in Canada: Shy Boy. This song, along with Rough Trade's High School Confidential and The B-52s Rock Lobster, introduced me to New Wave.

As you can tell by the choice of songs that my introduction to New Wave came about at the same time as I started to realize that I was more than a bit different from the rest of my classmates - that perhaps I might be gay.

Many kids would have hid their love of these songs, but not me. I knew being a fan of Shy Boy would likely get me beaten up, but it never occurred to me to hide it. People's reactions were their problems. I knew grade school would end eventually and I'd find others who "liked the same music as me."

Thanks for reminding me of my youthful inner strength, Raul!

Someday Lessons:

• Look back through your life and celebrate the moments you showed more strength than you thought you had.
• What was one of your self-defining moments from childhood?

YouTube Videos

• Bananarama: Shy Boy
• Rough Trade: High School Confidential
• B-52s: Rock Lobster

An (Almost) Middle-Aged Kid

Today we crossed the border into France. We went to Hendaye and walked along the cliffs above the Beach of the Two Twins. The wind picked up, promising horrific weather later, but at that moment, the cold air and the wind was invigorating.

I ran. I skipped. I did cartwheels. And I hugged Raul a lot.

Someday Lesson:

• Purposefully forget how old you are. Let yourself play like a kid.

Surprise me! Make me laugh!

What makes something memorable? Surprise works. Often a clever surprise will make someone laugh and by combining those two you create longevity.

Just look at this Spanish commercial. The first time I saw it, I laughed for about five minutes. It's not just the surprise that made me laugh. It's the music too. Whenever I hear the music I start singing and dancing along with it.

All this and the commercial isn't even targeted at me!

Enjoy!

Someday Lessons:

• Laughter and surprise are memorable.
• When something makes you laugh, share it with others.

Why I Love My Boyfriend

Last night Raul said to me: “You always forget to put water in the dishes. It takes just a second and it makes washing the dishes later much easier.”* He was right, but I didn't say so. Instead I went on the defensive. I came up with excuses as to why I'd forgotten this time when the reality was yes, I had simply forgotten to do so. We worked it out, but only after experiencing irritation on both sides.

Then this morning Raul left his breakfast dishes sitting out, the milk and cereal drying in them. I sent him a very polite message saying that if he was going to ask something of me that he should be willing to do the same, or he'd really piss me off.

He texted me back right away saying: “You're totally right. I'm sorry.”**

No defensiveness, no excuses. A simple agreement and an apology.

I can learn a lot from this man.

Someday Lessons:

• When someone suggests something, don't dismiss it or get defensive. They might just be right.
• We all hate to be wrong, but life goes much more smoothly when we're big enough to admit to our faults.

* In Spanish.
** Also in Spanish.

Soaking in Hot Sea Water

Tomorrow Raúl and I are going to San Sebastian's thermal baths. You have absolutely no clue how much I'm looking forward to the visit.

This week I started taking Caprylic Acid pills. It's an anti-fungal. The pills accelerate the die-off of the Candida. Unfortunately die-off produces a lot of pain. Think of it. My body is now full of dying yeast. As it dies, it releases toxins. Toxins produce pain.

Coming home from work, I have to climb about 100 steps, a very steep hill and then the six flights of stairs. Yesterday I was okay on the 100 steps. The steep hill exhausted me and the six flights of stairs nearly made me weep.

The last time I went through this (nearly five years ago), I would feel better by having a nice hot bath. Since our bathroom is only four feet wide and we only have a shower, I can't do that in our Txikihome.

So several hours in thermal baths – yeah I need that right now.

Someday Lessons:

• The road to happiness can detour through pain sometimes. Stay the course.
• When going through a rough patch, find little things to keep your spirits up.

Off The Road Again

I'm a bad man. I'm selling Fleur for parts today.

She's been a good car and I've had a lot of fun with her despite her age. We've been together for a year now and have traveled over most of the Pyrenees, the French and Spanish sides.

In cutting back on income and expenses, however, a car does not figure into the monthly budget. I don't need a car. It is convenient to have one, though. Now trips need to be carefully coordinated, by train, by bus, by going with others. Raul and I will lose some of our freedom without a car.

However, I have a goal. I want to write fiction. This means less time for earning money (in the short-term). To reach this goal, I must give up some things and the car is one of them.

Someday Lessons:

• When you personify things, getting rid of them is harder.
• Clear goals make hard decisions easier.

Pain Is Not Fun

It's time for a cleanse.

In 1994, I was misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia. For nine years, I lived in constant pain, with energy levels what fluctuated from Superman-high to corpse-low. Then in 2003 I went on an anti-yeast diet and was pain-free within three weeks. I didn't last on the diet the full year that I was supposed to do, so I didn't totally get rid of the yeast overload. Instead I have to manage it.

Spanish people love their sweets, especially bread-like sweets. So do I. Plus I have a bit of a cheese addiction.

I've started waking up sore, and my energy levels have been making me a bit manic – super happy one day, super low the next. Before things get too bad, I'm going to go back on the restricted diet and buy myself some anti-fungals from the health store.

The only question is how much willpower do I actually have and how long will I be able to last?

Someday Lessons:

• Something that provides short-term happiness (sweets) might deny long-term happiness (being pain-free).
• What are you willing to give up to achieve long-term happiness?

A Weekend Apart

Raúl flew to Madrid and I'm organizing the apartment.

Yes, that's my plan for the weekend. Not that I chose that over Madrid. I'm not that weird. Raúl went to Madrid with a friend. It's something they do a few times a year normally.

When he was planning the trip, he asked if I minded.

“Why would I mind?” I replied (in Spanish of course).

Worry, jealousy and fear were his answers.

That launched us into a monogamy conversation. We both say we believe in it and we trust each other. So...

Worry, jealousy and fear went out the window.

Plus I've been so busy recently, the idea of partying until six in the morning does not interest me at all (although I did stay up until two last night writing).

Someday Lessons:

• It's okay, quite healthy even, for couples to do things separately.
• Without trust, happiness is impossible.

Ooh! Sparkly!

Yesterday my hairdresser did something new. He put a blue rinse in my hair!

That's right. I'm a blue rinser.

The hairdresser told me that the rinse was to take the build up off my grey. Now, I knew I have grey hair, but I didn't realize just how much!

And wow, did it ever make a difference! My hair really sparkles now.

Just in time for Carnavales...

Someday Lessons:

• We are all getting older – celebrate it.
• See change as something to enjoy not dread or fear.

P.S. He also trimmed my ear hair but I refuse to celebrate that.

Rules? What Rules?

I made up a cake recipe today.

I know, I'm not supposed to do that. Baking is a science, chemistry. Experimenting doesn't work.

And yes, the cake was too wet, so I guess it was a failure. But it tastes great. I think the sogginess comes from the spelt flour, which is wetter than wheat flour.

Actually, I should say that I made up a muffin recipe because the dry parts were more muffin-like in texture.

I'll try it again tomorrow. I'll get the balance right at some point.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't worry about doing something wrong. How else will you learn?
• Have confidence and have fun experimenting.

(recipe after the jump)

Not Travel, Not Relaxing

Guess what? We´re not going anywhere this weekend.

That doesn´t mean, however, that we´re going to sit around the apartment doing nothing. This weekend is San Sebastian, meaning it´s the day of the city (January 20th) and so for 24 hours there will be drumming, drinking, dancing and general debauchery.

Should be fun!

Plus I also need to fit in some work, some writing, cleaning the house, having friends over for dinner, and prepping my classes for next week.

Someday Lessons:

• I´ll sleep when I´m dead.

A Return to France

You guessed it, another Friday, another trip.

This time we're visiting friends/family in Sauveterre (my old village in France for those newer to the blog).

When we come back tomorrow, I'll have all the rest my stuff that I want from my old apartment to finish setting up our txikihome.

One more trip to France will be required when the weather's a little better to take the furniture I don't need to Emmaüs, a charity shop in Pau.

Bilbao Bound

Guess what? Yes, it's Friday and we're going somewhere yet again.

This time, it's only an hour away, Bilbao. We're going to see the Spanish avant guard band Fangoria in concert. And while we're there, we'll also hit IKEA again for those things we can't live without.

Sunday we'll spend some time alone in our txikihome, relaxing.

Someday Lessons:

• IKEA is a dangerous place. It's too easy to spend too much there.
• Weekends are for having fun. What are you doing this weekend?

The Last Day

Today was my last day of Spanish class. My introduction to Spain is over. As of Monday the job hunt officially begins.

Yesterday I was panicky; today I'm excited. Tomorrow I might be terrified, Sunday super happy and Monday in tears.

I've decided to just let the emotions do their thing. I'm not going to analyze them. I'm not going to stop them. I'm going to enjoy them. I've never immigrated to another country before. France was an extended holiday; Spain is an immigration. It's unlikely that I'm ever going to emigrate again to a different country, so I'm going to fully enjoy the emotions I´m feeling during this experience.

And there are a whole whack of emotions waiting to be enjoyed: fear, eagerness, alienation, frustration, joy, excitement, anger, love. Up until now I've been fighting my emotions, trying to focus on only the positive ones. But we all know what repression does. It just makes the repressed emotion strike back with more force. So when I'm afraid, I'll let myself be afraid. When I'm happy, I'll be really happy without worries. And when the world seems like a dark lonely place, I'll cuddle up next to Raul and ask for help.

Someday Lessons:

• Emotions exist for a reason. Feel them, don't bury them.
• Life is meant to be enjoyed, even the negative side of it. Whatever happens in your life, good or bad, savour it.

Not Here

You've reached the blog of Alex Fayle. He's not in at the moment as he is traveling to his boyfriend's favourite village in Spain, near Teruel.

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