Someday Syndrome

Why I'm Angry All the Time

Two years ago I decided to give up being merely comfortable and to ruthlessly pursue happiness, which I've pretty much achieved. I'm with a man I love doing what I love in a place that makes me swoon every time I look out the window.

Yet I spend a good deal of my time unreasonably angry with the world in general.

My pursuit of happiness is not comfortable, safe or easy. It's scary. Turning my back on comfort and relentlessly chasing happiness means taking risks which involves a whole lot of fear. Evolution wired human beings to be afraid of the unknown – which has saved us a species many times – but fear often produces anger and because I'm an overly-polite British-Canadian, I absorb that anger. I intellectualize my responses and feel like vomiting if I irrationally snark at someone, but then I feel like vomiting because all that anger has to go somewhere or it will give me an ulcer.

So what to do? Time and time again I've discovered the answer and yet time and time again I ignore it completely. I need to walk more. When I go for an epic two hour walk the endorphins soar and the anger that chews away at my stomach lining shrinks.

In fact I'm going out for a walk right now. See ya!

Someday Lessons:

• A rigorous pursuit of happiness involves more risk than many people are willing to take.
• Never underestimate the power and positive value of endorphins.

Too Polite for My Own Good

This weekend, friends visited from Catalonia (hence the lack of posts Thursday and Friday). With my recent stomach problems and resulting bad moods, four people in a 200sq ft apartment can feel a bit cramped (pun intended). In an effort to refrain from snapping at people, I kept my distance most of the weekend. The emotional distance also helped keep a physical distance from all the bad-for-me food that the others consumed over the four days.

Unfortunately the emotional distance ended up taking a toll on everyone with one guest trying to push into my carefully delineated Alex-only territory. Yesterday she decided to cook – paying us back for our hospitality. And even though I'd explained my dietary restrictions several times over the weekend, lunch ended up having garlic and pepper in it (Raul managed to stop her using white wine). Given the tension in the apartment, I decided just to eat the food without a fuss. After all, the garlic was still in its skin only flavouring the food -  I wouldn't actually be eating the stuff directly. I'd be fine!

Wrong!

Yesterday afternoon my stomach started to rebel and I got a wicked headache. I went to bed at 9:30 and slept almost ten hours. Today I feel like I have a stomach bug and I'm majorly regretting my I-so-nice-of-course-I'll-eat-your-food-that-is-bad-for-me Britishness.

Someday Lessons:

• Health issues supersede politeness every time.
• Listen to your gut (pun intended again). It knows what's good for you.

The Blogger's New Clothes

Raul's best friend is visiting this weekend. Many times he's told Raul that he would be happy to take any extra clothes off of Raul's hands (yes Raul has an extensive wardrobe).

Today therefore Raul and I went through all of his clothes still at his mother's place. Being the boyfriend I got first pick on anything I liked. So I now have a great new summer wardrobe and I didn't have to pay a penny!

Someday Lessons:

• Before summer starts have a clothes swap with friends.
• You don't have to spend lots of money to enjoy a new wardrobe.

Why Don't I Have Healing Powers?

With the help of medication and a bland diet, I'm beginning to feel better. I can still taste stomach acid, but it's not so all-consuming like last week. Unfortunately Raul is still sick with laryngitis. He's been at home for a week now and bored out of his tree.

As a problem-solving person, I want to DO something to make him feel better. Of course I can't. I can only do things to make him feel more comfortable. I make sure he's warm. I feed him fresh crepes with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. And of course I give him lots of hugs and kisses.

Through all this, I feel like I'm not doing everything I can. I should be able to fix this. Everything should be fixable. And I take it as a personal offense that it's not.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't beat yourself about things that you don't have the power to change.
• Learn to accept that sometimes you can't do anything to help others.

Uninspiring Morning Thoughts

Last week I said that I would pay attention to what were my first thoughts each morning and see how they affected my day. Contrary to what I thought would happen, my initial thoughts weren't influenced by the decision to monitor them – they were as mundane and non-inspiring as anything (except for last Tuesday).

My morning thoughts tend to fall into one of three categories:

1. Hola mi amor – to Raul if he wakes me up.
2. I'm bursting! - when my bladder is super-full.
3. I'm so tired – when I haven't exercised the day before and therefore not slept well.

This week I'm going to monitor what I think about just before going to bed, since my father said that's when he thinks happy thoughts about breakfast the next morning. Maybe the thoughts will be more interesting or inspiring.

Someday Lessons:

• Experiments often don't turn out as we expect.
• Keep your mind open and accept the unexpected.

Starting the Day

My father wakes up every morning thinking "Oh goodie! Another day!"

I have no idea what I think when I wake up, so this week I will try an experiment. Each day when I wake up I will write down the first thing that comes through my head.

Of course likely the first thing in my head will be: "where's my pen and paper?" or: "what was that thought I just had?" so the whole experiment might be a waste of time.

I guess I'll find out!

Someday Lessons:

• Do you look forward to each day or do you drag yourself out of bed?
• How you start your day sets the stage for the whole day.

My Wonderfully Silly Man

I go to bed most nights laughing. It's Raul's fault. You see, I have this teddy bear (named Notae – he's from the former Canadian department store Eaton's) and he's the perfect size to slip under my shoulder when I'm sleeping on my stomach (he keeps the shoulder from hurting). In other words, yes, I still sleep with a stuffed animal.

Raul, however, thinks it's quite fun to move Notae about the room. For example, one night the bear was hanging upside down from the curtain rod. I asked Raul if Notae was being a gymast. “No,” Raul said, “he thinks he's a bat.” Last night Notae was sitting on his head, perched on the edge of the bookshelf: “he's doing yoga and meditating” Raul told me.

Someday Lessons:

• There's no better way to end the day than falling asleep with a smile on your face.
• Let yourself be silly – get creative with your surroundings.

Monday Morning Blahs

After a fantastic early spring, normal weather for San Sebastian – rain, hail, and bone chilling cold – has returned. I went to bed last night nicely bundled up, but we didn't turn on the radiator. I ended up with a warm body and a cold head. By 3am, my sinuses started protesting and by 8am when I woke up, I was officially sick.

Raul made me breakfast and put the radiator right beside me on the sofa.

I'm going to take it easy today, and that includes no Someday Lessons. When we're sick, pampering is a good thing.

Unhappy Monday

I woke up at 2am this morning stiff as a dead armadillo on the side of a Texas highway. So I got up, did some work, stretched a bit and went back to bed. I woke up again at 7:30 still feeling dead armadillo-like, but as I got moving the stiffness went away. My brain is still foggy, however.

This happens every time I don't get any exercise during the day. I spend so much of my time working out my brain (with my various writing projects), that I forget about my body. I go to bed brain-tired but body-awake. I then have a restless night of active dreams and end up feeling like I didn't get any sleep at all.

The answer is simple. I need to exercise every day. The implementation, however, isn't so simple. During the week, I'm busy with various projects and with household chores. On the weekend, I want to spend time with Raul, as we see each other for about two hours a day during the week. However, Raul's job is very physical and the idea of weekend exercise at the level I need to tire myself out is the last thing he thinks of as fun quality together-time.

I'm not quite sure of the answer, but I am sure I'll figure something out. There's only so many sleepless nights I can put up with.

Someday Lessons:

• Knowing what we need to do and actually doing it are very different things.
• Goals and desire often come into conflict with each other. Don't expect easy answers.

Diving in to Description

I bought a REALLY BIG book this weekend, The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters by G.W.Dahlquist. It's 753 pages long. On the back cover, The London Paper says: “Think of The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: its lurid plots, its murky pea-soupers. Now apply the production values of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, commission a re-write by the Marquis de Sade...”

Like Susanna Clarke's, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, this book is written in a historical style, but has a modern sensibility. These books attract me with their ingenuity and their ability to interest me despite long descriptive passages. Usually I gloss over description in novels, focusing on the emotion and the plot. I tend to read stories for the story, not for the setting.

In Dahlquist's book, however, the setting is part of the story. And because the book has a modern sensibility, I don't venture into typical Victorian doldrums.

Along with Jasper Fforde and Susanna Clarke, Dahlquist has become one of my favourite new authors of the decade.

Someday Lessons:

• Sometimes times knowing why you enjoy something adds to the enjoyment.
• Just because you normally don't like something, that doesn't mean you never will – be open to retrying experiences.

The Fog Begins to Clear

Last week I started an anti-yeast diet. Today I finally feel good. Last week I was cranky, irritable, judgmental, and hurt everywhere. Thinking was difficult and I felt there were wads of cotton between me and the world. Today my mind is clear and my body is (mostly) pain-free.

The sugar cravings drove me crazy. They still do, actually, but having gone through the worst of the detox symptoms, I'm not about to give in and have to start all over!

I'm through the worst but staying on the diet won't be easy. Temptations abound! Fortunately as I continue to feel better, the cravings will fade. They'll never go away, though. Over the years I've conditioned my body to like certain things, like bread and cheese and sugar. I'll always crave them and for the rest of my life I'll have to monitor and moderate their intake.

Someday Lessons:

• Gratification and happiness are two different things.
• Happiness is not automatic – it takes vigilance to maintain it.

You're Not As Happy As You Could Be

I don't mean superficially happy, like “I'd be happier if Bones came back on the air soon,” or “I'd be happier if I got the mirror in the bedroom hung.” I mean soul-deep happiness. I mean the happiness that Gretchen Rubin talks about in The Happiness Project.

Right now I've never been happier in my entire life, and yet I'm not has happy as I want to be.

I would be happier if I were published. I would be happier if I didn't have to worry about my diet and resulting pain when I ignore it. I would be happier if I could support myself purely from writing fiction.

Those are concrete things. They are things I can works towards. Do you know what would make you happier? Most people don't. Most people go through life comfortably unhappy or merely content. Most people think that true happiness is beyond them, that it's for idealists who don't live in the real world.

Are you one of those people?

Someday Lessons:

• What would make you truly happy? Do you know?
• Don't live a comfortable life. Strive for a happy one.

Spring Has Sprung

And I couldn't be happier...

Someday Lessons:

• Take time to enjoy the beauty around you.
• Celebrate things that make you happy.

I Couldn't Do It

After four years away from a job-job, I couldn't stand working for someone else.

Last Thursday I decided that I would quit my job and go back to being self-employed. I didn't change my entire life to go back to doing something that I don't want to do.

Then Friday this decision was advanced because I spun out on the highway and damaged Fleur. I'm fine and the car is drivable, but not on highways. And since I can't drive to work, I have to quit.

Fortunately I've already found a website writing contract that'll cover the basics and I'm actually looking forward to rebuilding my business. This time I'll know exactly what I want and how to go about getting it.

Someday Lessons:

• Life can end at any moment. Are you living the life you want?
• Pursuing happiness needs constant vigilance against backsliding into fear-driven actions.

Freeing the Inner Diva

After all the recent travel, Raul and I decided to do nothing this weekend. Yesterday we didn't even get out of our pyjamas. It was a great day (then again, any day spent with Raul is a great one).

We cleaned a little, organized a little, cooked a lot and spent a several hours playing Singstar (karaoke for Play Station 2).

Now, I can't sing very well. I sing in the car and I sing with my sister songs that I've been singing since I was a little kid. But Singstar requires that you sing the RIGHT notes. Fortunately there are enough songs from the 80s and 90s that I know well, so I don't totally embarrass myself.

Ah, hell, who am I kidding – I completely and utterly embarrass myself. Raul almost always wins (yes it's competitive karaoke), but I don't care. It's great fun belting out tunes while standing in the living room in my pyjamas.

Because if I can't be foolish with Raul, when can I be?

Someday Lessons:

• Just because you're bad at something, it doesn't mean you can't do it anyway.
• This week make a commitment to do something foolish that would normally embarrass you.

Interruption in Service

Sorry, no sparkling, interesting post today. An uncle of Raul passed away this weekend.

Someday Lesson:

• Life is not always happy.

Twenty-One Reasons to Feel Homesick

• Six piece sherry set from 1957
• Five watercolours painted by Dad
• Four stuffed animals from my childhood
• Three piggy banks from my former collection
• Two fancy (i.e., professional and sharp) kitchen knives
• One quilt hand-stitched by Mom made with childhood shirts.

Someday Lessons:

• Things that make you happy can also make you sad.
• Things ties us to places. Take the things from the place and we disconnect from it.

Bringing the Fun In

I love watching people do what they love doing. On Friday last week, we went into Bilbao to see Fangoria in concert. Alaska (the lead singer) is a spectacular performer. Unlike the Spice Girls or Madonna, Alaska doesn't rely on big budgets to put on a good show.

And to be honest, although she can sing, Alaska does not have the voice of Sade. Fangoria cannot draw crowds solely to watch Alaska stand in the middle of an empty stage and sing.

Alaska and Fangoria draw crowds because they have fun. Raul's seen them four times in the past twelve months, on the same tour singing the same songs. And why so often? Because Alaska is infectious. You want to be around her. She has fun on stage and surrounds herself with other performers who like to have fun.

And who wouldn't want to be a part of that?

Someday Lessons:

• Do what you enjoy most and you'll draw other positive people to you.
• Having fun is a choice. What choice are you making?

The Organizer Lives

As I said before, our apartment is small – very small (in Basque the word is txiki, pronounced cheeky). IKEA is perfect for txiki homes. So off Raul went to IKEA. He came back with a tiny sofa-bed, two wall-like floor lamps to divide the living space from the kitchen, three chairs, and a whole bunch of accessories.

Then last Thursday we went back together, spending two hours looking at TV/Computer storage options. After much discussion, we decided on two armoire extensions, four floating shelves and yet more accessories. By putting the armoire extensions on wheels and buying Raul a wireless keyboard and mouse, we've created a multimedia console in the living room that can be controlled from the sofa.

In January once everything is just right, I'll do a photo-post showing off how happy we are in our txikihome.

Someday Lessons:

• Small spaces require creative planning. Take time to think it through.
• Don't go for the first solution that comes to mind. The less obvious is often more fitting.

Life is Coincidental

Friday was my last day of class and a day for sharing food during the break. I took the time Thursday night to bake a dessert. After class, I went into the instructor's lounge to pick up the serving dish. The instructors wished me luck with the job hunt and the apartment hunt.

One of the instructors then said that she was moving out of her flat. Did I want to see it? It's small, she told me, but very cheap. So Saturday Raul and I went to look at it. It is small, about 300sq ft. The living room/kitchen is 8'x 15' and the bedroom is  9'x9'. In other words, it's about 1/3 the size of my house in Toronto (which most people considered small and quaint).

We took it.

It's on the 6th floor without an elevator, and has no heat (but it won't take much to heat the rooms with space heaters given how small the space is). But it's very cheap, is a 15 minute walk downtown and is on the top floor with a humongous terrace. Most places like this (or smaller) within city limits are at least double the price, so we're very pleased.

The organizer in me is excited by the challenge to make the place livable and feel spacious. Between Christmas and New Year's Eve we're going to go to Bilbao to do some IKEA shopping.

If I hadn't baked, I wouldn't have talked to the instructor, and we wouldn't have acquired a place to live.

Someday Lessons:

• All your actions have consequences; be open to using the consequences to your benefit.
• Pay attention to life carefully, or you might miss something really important.

Have You Seen My Serenity?

I've lost it. Last year, while in France, I carefully cultivated an even temper. Bad things happened, good things happened, but I stayed calm the entire time.

But now, I'm having trouble adapting. I'm swinging from extreme highs to extreme lows.

This weekend, Raul and I spent four fantastic days in a few Moorish cities. Raul wanted to show them to me because he wanted to share more of his life and his loves. I, however, by the end of the weekend had a wicked crying fit. Two of Raul's friends joined us and as much as I enjoy being with people, it drives me nuts that I can't contribute, and not just because of the language barrier. I don't get cultural references either.

And I hate not knowing things.

Fortunately I didn't let my bad mood get in the way of enjoying the weekend.

No Lessons today. I'm on sinus medication and it's making me dizzier than I usually am.

Getting My Groove Back

Earlier this year, I decided to abandon my daily blogging exercise of picking a topic from a predetermined batch and making myself writing on that topic. I felt that I could still produce a good blog with less structure.

I was wrong. I'm far too lazy to let posts come naturally.

So, this week I'm following the lead of some of my favourite blogs (The Happiness Project and The Psychology of Clutter) by creating theme days.

Happy Mondays will look back to weekend or forward to the week ahead at something that made/will make me happy,
Lazy Tuesdays will focus on some part of my life where I'm procrastinating,
Wonder Wednesdays is a double topic, where I'll either look at the world with a sense wonder, or I'll question some way of thinking/acting in my life or the lives of people around me,
Random Thursdays are necessary because I can't live my life totally structured; and
Fun Fridays will cover what fun thing(s) I have planned for the weekend.

I'm giving myself Saturdays and Sundays off from the blog.

Of course, every post will continue to include Someday Lessons, forcing us all to look at life with a bit of self-awareness.

And why is this post a Happy Monday? Because putting some structure back into my blogging makes me very happy.

Someday Lessons:

• You may think you're ready to quit doing something when really you just need to change it up a bit.
• Don't rely on enthusiasm to carry you through the long haul—often enforced structure is necessary.