Someday Syndrome

Am I Still Cool?

Today I decided to go back in time for a conversation with sixteen year old Alex. He (I) had very strong opinions about how his (my) life was going to go, as most 16 year olds do. I thought I'd check in to see how my current life compared to his (my) vision.

Alex37: Hey Alex. Recognize me?

Alex16: No sorry, should I?

Alex37: I'm you, twenty-one years from now.

Alex16: You can't be.

A37: Why not?

A16: You're wearing muddy hiking shoes and jeans look like they could stand on their own.

A37: I had to give up the crimped hair, Doc Martens and tapered jeans at some point. Does it help that I just bought orange seersucker shorts and black argyle deck shoes?

A16: No it doesn't. It sounds preppy.

A37: It's not. Don't worry.

A16: Why are you here? Come to warn me of some impending a doom?

A37: No, I've just come to tell you what you're going to doing at thirty-seven.

A16: I'm a famous writer, with a loft in Toronto, a house in France and a sweet boyfriend?

A37: Well I live in Europe and um, I'm working on the writer thing.

A16: What's taking so long?

A37: I took a detour. I owned a house, tried a few relationships and owned a business.

A16: Europe, 's good.

A37: Yup, I was in France for a while and now Spain. It might become permanent.

A16: That's cool. But why the dirty clothes? Do I end up living on the street or something?

A37: No. I work on farms in exchange for room and board.

A16: You mean physical labour? You're not serious, are you?

A37: C'mon! It's me you're talking to. You know you're secretly thrilled.

A16: Okay fine. Maybe a bit. So, no boyfriend.

A37: No sorry. No luck there yet. But the rest of life is good.

A16: Are you sure I'm not famous?

A37: You'll learn to treasure other things.

A16: Hunh?

A37: I'm working on the fame thing.

A16: You better hurry up, eh? You're getting up there.

A37: Gee thanks! I'm outta here. See ya.

A16: See ya. Thanks for stopping by.

Someday Lessons:

• How closely does your life match your teenage dreams?
• Are you actively living life or just passing time?

A Spanish Simpatico

Barcelona agrees with me. Both times I've been here people have stopped and asked me directions. And each time, I've been able to answer them.

With pointing and very bad Spanish, but I've known the answers.

I can answer because I'm a map geek and I walk everywhere. I think people stop me because of my new European look (don't ask me what that mean, but friends and family in Toronto have noticed it – they've said I've gone native). But I also have an affinity to this city. It fits. I fit. I love the architecture, the streets, and the people (so many yummy bearded men here!). I even don't mind the crowds, but I have avoided Las Ramblas this time around.

I have to refine my earlier statement about Bordeaux. It's no longer my favourite city (sorry Bordeaux). It's Barcelona. Yes, I'm totally crushing on this city.

I'm also in love with the countryside. I've only seen it from the train so far, but I can't wait to actually be in it.

When I arrived in Sauveterre, I was struck by how similar it is to Southern Ontario, lusher, older and higher, but still very similar. It was comforting.

Spain is completely foreign to me. As the train passed through the mountains, I looked out the window and saw a cactus whip by. It was growing out of a rock face and it was huge! I've never seen that.

I might not be looking for divine reasons for things any more, but I will admit to a spirit living in places. And so far, Spain's spirit and my own are enjoying the blush of a new infatuation.

Someday Lessons:

• Some places just feel better than others.
• If you can't stay organized, maybe you're not in the right place.

Gleeful Hand Rubbing

I gave notice for my apartment today, confirming that I will be gone as of March 31st (this isn't what I'm gleefully rubbing my hands about – I'm actually kind of sad to go). Where I'll go I'm not quite sure, but my parents are going to be visiting then and how could I deny them the pleasure of helping me move yet again?

(So here comes the hand rubbing…)

I GET TO PLAN!!!

Yes, that's right. I have furniture and appliances to sell, a car to investigate, a credit card to pay off, working options to explore, cell phone plans to choose from. The planning possibilities are nearly endless!

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Am I not throwing away five months of lessons about living in the now?

You're right. These lessons have been very important. So, here's what I'll do. I'll confine my planning to little bits done each day, like a dieter stretching a chocolate bar for a whole week.

Today's piece of planning was to contact two places in Spain as potential trials for the whole nomadic life thing. I even got a response back from one (who's unsure of her availability). That's it for today. Tomorrow I'll do some other small piece and savour it throughout the day.

I think I might be finally learning the concept of balance. I used to hate it and was always falling down. So I didn't bother. I liked living in the extremes. I'd say that life is like quicksand, you want to stay in the extremes (the edges) or you'll get sucked down and suffocated. (Good rationalization, eh?)

Well, with practice comes appreciation. Who knows, I might even get good at this balance thing someday.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't deny your bad habits. Moderate them and make them good instead.
• Balance is very difficult to achieve, but it is worth understanding.

Lunch Today:
Rye crackers with slices of chorizo, tomato and a havarti-like goat's cheese under the broiler, with a sprinkling of dill weed.

Twelve Year Old Alex

When people ask me why I'm here in France, I say "because when I was 12, I decided that someday I'd live in the south of France and write."

Today I'm going to tell you a bit more about that Alex.

He was a freak, one of the first with acne, too smart in a school where dumb was cool. He also still played with Barbies, wanted Fisher Price Adventure People for his birthday and had fake crushes on the girls who were liked by the boys he really had crushes on.

By his classmates, he was used a punching bag to prove themselves. And why did they hit him? (Other than for the above?) Because he liked Bananarama, hated sports and wore pink rugby pants.

And he refused to change who he was.

Whenever he cried about being beaten up or about only fitting in with the other misfits, he never thought "how can I change to be more like the popular kids?" No he thought "what can I do that will make the popular kids realize how cool I am?"

He sought out acceptance, seeing only where he didn't get it instead of seeing where it was already there. He chose to see himself as unworthy to be accepted, but strangely he always continued to do exactly as he wanted.

He just couldn't understand why that would bother people.

He still wonders that to this day. He still tries to find acceptance from everyone, refusing to believe that sometimes that acceptance just doesn't come.

But he doesn't let that stop him from doing what he wants, what he feels is best for himself.

Over the years he has learned to choose what he wants more and more, filling his life and his time with things that can help him find acceptance within himself.

Someday Lessons:

• Who you were influences your reasons for actions now.
• What's your story? Who were you at age twelve?

Lunch Today:
Sausages, chips and avocado whipped with plain yogurt

Never the Same Twice

Every day I wake up changed from the day before. "The river I step in is not the river I stand in." Each day I have new experiences, learn new things, and my body chemistry alters slightly.

Today for example, I have a bug or virus in my system that makes me different from two days ago. I'm achy, shaky and weak. This changes who I am. I had to cancel an organizing job because of it. Two days ago if you had asked me, would I cancel this client I would have said "no way." Today as soon as I woke up the answer was "hell ya!" (but said with a moan, a groan and in a whimper).

I am also a different person from two days ago because I cut my hair off. The Alex with short spiky is not the Alex of the long tresses. The way people perceive me has changed and therefore the way I interact with the world has changed.

So what? Why does this matter?

On Monday, one of my daily lessons was about how decisions might need to change based on a change in circumstances. France has been all about big changes for me. Having been presented with this organizing opportunity, I discovered that I have no interest in doing it. (Maybe I'm sick because I wished myself ill to avoid work today). I no longer think of myself as an organizer. I am a writer. This is who I am now. Some might say that I've always been a writer, which is true, but the self-definition is essential.

I've already learned to live with the fear of poverty – as an entrepreneur I faced that daily. With this blog, I'm learning the fear of acceptance – finding an audience (or not) for my words. I can see my life unfold as a writer as a reality, not just a "someday."

Someday Lessons:

• Be self-aware. Don't live life blind to who you are.
• Know that we all change minute to minute. Don’t ignore or fight the changes.

Lunch Today:
Quinoa cooked in pasta sauce with fresh grated parmesan.

Crowdsourcing

I was reading yesterday about a new business model called crowdsourcing. It's a supposedly democratic form of research and development used for everything from science problems to t-shirts. It intrigues me yet I feel way cynical about it too.

I'm reminded of Lynne Truss' book Talk to the Hand where she relates service charges to self-serve options. Banking is a big example of that – we pay for every transaction we do and yet we're expected to do all our own customer service (internet/phone banking, ATMs).

Crowdsourcing seems the next logical step for companies wishing to lower costs. At one time R&D was done in house, then it was outsourced to save money. Now it's crowdsourced, taking advantage of people's wish to be creative and gain recognition while the company gets to pay as little as possible for the outcome.

On the other hand, I'm totally fascinated by the concept. It's next to impossible to crowdsource writing or any other solely intellectual activity. The results of crowdsourcing need to be physical. Plus the participants need to gain some benefit, be it recognition, money or bartered goods and services.

Despite all that, I want to figure out a way I could crowdsource something related to Someday Syndrome. Google does it to improve its services, Threadless with t-shirts, InnoCentive does it with scientific research. There's a sense of adventure inherent in crowdsourcing.

I envision it as almost being (on a personal level) a sort of performance art piece. A crowdsourced life. A version of The Truman Show where the viewers vote decide on then vote for what happens next.

Basically crowdsourcing is outsourcing meets reality TV meets the democratic web.

How this all relates to Someday Syndrome I'm not sure, but my intuition tells me to do some more digging.

I'll let you know where I end up.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't let life stagnate – periodically explore new ideas.
• Listen for signals from your intuition to further explore these new ideas.

Lunch Today:
Carrot-Ginger Purée with paté & crackers

What Myth Are You Living?

Today I'm breaking from my pattern of a new theme each day (I made the rules, I can break them!). Instead I'm going to continue on with yesterday's theme of "Is it Who I Am?".

I once read most of the book The Mythic Imagination by Stephen Larsen. In it Larsen talked about life being based in myth, that we all live our lives based on one myth or another. My myth was "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" which I lived until my early 30s. It started as a child when my obvious gayness shone brighter than Rudolph's nose (I only liked doing "girl" things and hated "boy" activities – plus I would have died and gone to heaven if one of my male grade school classmates had ever kissed me). Although it was difficult to be different and usually I hated it, I was still proud of my differences (a feeling fed by my parents who believe differences are like badges – small badges – no need to be obnoxious about it).

But, and this is the part that hurt – a lot, I wasn't included in the Reindeer games. I was too much of a boy for the girls and too much of a girl for the boys. My friends ended up being other misfits (those of you who were friends during school with me don't get offended – we were proud of our status).

I got through life waiting for Santa to say "Hey, without you, we couldn't have Christmas." Up until I started my own business (and sometimes after that) I needed constant external validation to feel good about myself.

Every action I took (or didn’t take), every attitude I had towards life was based on that need. My confidence was so tied to other people that I avoided any and all conflict (making it worse of course when it did finally happen). Because I was Rudolph waiting for Santa to acknowledge me (in a Waiting-for-Godot-never-gonna-happen way), I ignored the influence of positive people in my life. Fortunately those people stuck around, but I kept them at a distance – why would people accept me just for being me? Humph, they must be misfits too. And only Santa's opinion counts.

After realizing this, I actively began to change my life. It's taken years, and likely will take the rest of my life, but life without change and growth is boring.

I tried to find another myth to live by, but they didn't work for me:

• Snow White: Waiting for someone to rescue me, persecuted by authority.
• Sleeping Beauty and Rapunsel: Ditto.
• Cinderella: Needed external assistance and deception to get away from an abusive living situation.
• And so on, and so on…

Okay, how about the male myths:

• Beauty and the Beast: If I just stalk her long enough, she'll have to fall in love with me.
• Rumpelstiltskin: I'll lie and cheat and steal until I get caught.
• Achilles: It's all my mother's fault for botching my invincibility.
• Paris: I'll let selfish desire destroy my country, my people and my culture.
• Arthur: One deception and betrayal after another until an early death from which I'll return "someday".
• Christ: Ditto.
• Frosty the Snowman: I owe my life to a miracle and will die and be reborn seasonally.

I don't know about you, but not a single one (except for maybe Frosty) sounds like a good way to live my life.

My life, therefore, is better without myth. Now, instead of living my life based on some predetermined story I didn't write, I create my life every day.

Sure, sometimes I fall back on myth – it is a genetic predisposition after all, but I do try to turn the myth into wonder when I notice it ruling my life (for that sense of wonder read Charles de Lint or any other Mythic Fiction writer).

So, let me ask you: What's you myth?

Someday Lessons:

1. Unless you know why you act a certain way, you'll not likely change or grow.
2. Rules shmules. Rules are just guidelines, especially when you've written them yourself.

Lunch Today:
Cheesy Mustard Burgers with Creamy Carrots (and because it's so tasty, for dinner) Avocado Boursin Dip.

Feeling Guilty About Nothing

I didn't want to write today's entry. And I almost didn't, but then I remembered a promise to myself that I would blog every day that I was in town. It doesn't take long to do and it's a simple promise to keep.

But otherwise, I gave myself permission to do nothing today. Which isn't really nothing – only nothing writing-wise. I still:

• Answered emails
• Researched stuff on the web
• Did laundry & dishes
• Shopped
• Made lunch
• Took a long walk
• Watched cheesy TV
• Had a bath and read
• And took two hours for an Organizers in Canada Board phone meeting.

And yet I feel guilty for doing all this supposed nothing. I set expectations for myself then feel guilty when I don’t meet them. I'm the only one I'm answering to but given how guilty I feel, I must be a pretty demanding boss.

It did occur to me at one point today that I could really do nothing. I don't need to put in hours to earn the money that is coming in. I could putter and totally enjoy life without pressure to produce. It would be good. There are plenty of other things (as you can see) to keep me busy during the day.

But I still feel guilty.

It's my protestant work ethic kicking in. If I don't write for hours each day then I'm lazy, I'm wasting my time in France and I'm wasting money.

The theme today is the question "Is it who I am?" This is the question everyone should ask themselves when they examine their life and current levels of optimism. No matter how much I might tell myself it's okay to veg out, if I ask myself if it's truly me, I'd say no. It's not me and it's not way I live. (Actually I can live that way; I just feel guilty about it).

Someday Lessons:

1. The decision of when to wait and when to act is tied to our overall life attitude.
2. When trying on a life perception (i.e., a new attitude), ask yourself "Is it who I am?".

Lunch Today:
Ground beef, Tomato Raita and Potato Chips.