I always forget that that emotional and spiritual growth don't happen the way physical growth does. As a child, I never grew two inches then shrank an inch. Only non-physical growth happens in this give and take way.
I've written many times about the various polite elephant sneezes1 that I've experienced, but it's always been in the context of forward movement. This week, however, I did some backsliding.
From Saturday to Thursday, I had distressing dreams where I was always searching for something and totally late for various appointments. The situation changed each time, but it was always the same scenario.
In other words, I was having quite literal organizing nightmares.
But that part of the dreams didn't really bother me. Each morning I woke up with a sense that I was disappointing people, no one specific, just a generic "them." That was what distressed me, especially since the feeling would last throughout the day.
I spent each day exhausted and my stomach was in knots. I felt like crying, apologizing to random passers-by, or getting insecure about my latest romantic potential (my Rompot).
No need to guess which one I chose to express. Of course it was the one involving the Rompot.
I descended into full needy geek mode, babbling online about every insecurity I felt about this guy – to him! He told me what I'd been telling myself (unsuccessfully). Just relax.
Later that day after my cousin told me her two girls had been sick, I twigged to the reason my emotions were leaking out all over. I'd been touched by a weak stomach bug.
I've since slept twelve hours in a single night, gotten my haircut, and bought myself a cell phone. These three actions respectively took care of: my health, my vanity and my to do list for leaving Sauveterre.
I also sent a semi-apology email to my Rompot explaining the illness derived insecurity. Of course the insecurity was there to begin with, but if I'd been feeling well, I wouldn't have let it out so indiscriminately.
This backslide was bound to happen at some point. It's good I caught it so quickly!
Someday Lessons:
- Emotional backsliding isn't always psychological. Sometimes it has a physical cause.
- A great haircut goes a long way towards making everything all right.
1. I think the word "epiphany" sounds like an elephant sneezing politely.