Someday Syndrome

Surprisingly Tearful

I should have known better than to think I could leave Sauveterre without tears.

When I decided to leave Toronto I cried when I found my very first house insurance application. This time I'd kept the tears back all through the decision to leave, the packing, my parents' visit and their leaving. But I finally lost it yesterday when I started to think about how wonderful all my friends in town are and how grateful I am to all of them.

In fact, I'm getting choked even as I write this. My cousin asked me today if I'm so teary then why am I leaving. She then answered her own question by saying "Is it to push your limits?"

I know that as soon as I'm on the road I'll be excited and eager, but the process of leaving has proven to be much more emotional than I had expected it to be.

And then there's poor Fleur (my car). She's not well, the old girl. I've demanded a lot from her, going three times the distance in a month than she had gone in the previous six months. Her arteries are clogged and so I have no heat and an intermittent fan. A transplant is too expensive unfortunately. Plus last weekend Fleur broke a bone. The driver's door is stuck shut, the mechanism inside frozen. I've been getting in and out of the car via the passenger door.

As soon as the door is fixed tomorrow afternoon, I'm off. I just hope the repair is simple and that Fleur is isn't having the same breakdown I had yesterday.

Someday Lessons:

• With big change comes grief for the life you're leaving behind.
• A super-positive front always has cracks in it. Address them or the whole front will crumble.

Unharnessed Energy = Not Good

Fantasy readers know that energy needs to be focused or chaos ensues. If I can't keep my energy focused and productive, I will create havoc in my life.

I'm talking about men, of course. My Whirlwind Barcelona Boyfriend (WBB) and I don't talk now. I didn't mope (much). We had a good time together and my Barcelona experience was better for meeting him.

Nope, I didn't mope. I got back online and started chatting again.

In fact, when I'm in Spain trying out the farm worker thing in February, I'm going to meet up with a new guy.

My goal while we wait to meet is to stop playing the "what if" game. "What if I meet him and I don't like him or he doesn't like me?" or "what if we really like each other initially but it turns into a disaster later?" or even "what if we end up dating and I want to spend the rest of my life in Spain?"

Many other questions pop into my head, especially after talking to Cate, whose own WBB experience has been so positive (he's visiting her in March). But I force myself not to answer them.

So, what would happen if I did answer the questions?

Well, I'd live through the relationship right to the end thereby creating an unreal expectation. Since reality can never match what goes on inside my head, I'd damn things from the start.

And how does this relate to an easy, organized life? It's simple. If I let my imagination run wild then I allow in too much chaos and that chaos messes up the emotions, which messes up my life.

I need to focus on simple questions, and focus my energy on writing.

Do I like him? Do I want to meet him? Yes and yes. Done. And now I'm writing about it.

Someday Lessons:

• Energy needs to be channeled or it will cause havoc.
• When your mind is cluttered, your space and your ability to juggle activities will suffer.

A Mind/Body Lesson

Party-Alex is furious,
Self-Pity-Alex is delirious,
Introspective-Alex is bemused, and
Cynical Alex is amused.

Last night, as my sinus infection had improved and my cough had become nearly non-existent, I made plans to go out tonight - my one night alone in Paris. I'd go dancing, get a good flirt going and maybe take someone out for breakfast.

But this morning ("Of course!" say both Self-Pity- and Cynical-Alex), I woke up with a cold sore, no make that two (maybe three) cold sores.

Party-Alex thinks this is a plot to keep him from having fun. He only agreed to a life in rural France knowing that he'd have the opportunity to have fun in a city.

Self-Pity-Alex is practically speaking in tongues he's so rapturous. What a chance to wallow! The whole universe is conspi--

Let's put a curtain around his cage and hope that will calm him down.

I'm sure everyone can understand Cynical-Alex's amusement. It's not a nice thing. It's an acknowledgement of the universe's nasty sense of humour.

Let's ignore Cynical-Alex too. He's not helpful.

The me to consult right now is Introspective-Alex. He knows what's really going on.

He tells me that my mind and body are working together to break me of a habit. The habit of always choosing the hedonistic experience when given the chance. Not that there's anything wrong with hedonism. All my personalities heartily support it. It's the unthinking habit of hedonism that's not good.

As my naturopath likes to say, mind and body are integrally linked. If something is wrong with the spirit (mind), the body reacts. Psychosomatic illness, western medicine might say, but it goes deeper than that.

When the spirit if out of balance (e.g., making choices without thought) then the body responds with illness. Cold sores and a runny nose are the best way to stop me from having any sort of physical encounters. My spiritual imbalance is expressed by a corresponding physical ailment.

And who knows, I might actually learn something from all this...

Someday Lessons:

• Extreme measures are sometimes needed to break stubborn habits.
• Mind and body are connected. Ignore one at the peril of the other.

An Empathetic Rant

Sometimes being understanding sucks.

I'd like on occasion to be a total ass – a selfish, angry and totally unempathetic ass.

Don't get me wrong – I can be thoughtless, obtuse and arrogant, but never unempathetic.

As an organizer this was a great thing. I always understood where my clients were coming from. In this blog I do it all the time. I create reasons for things. I pop-psychologize and draw conclusions. Each lesson is a piece of empathy and understanding about the lives around me.

But in my personal life, it's not so good. I can't get really mad. I mean dish throwing mad. Maybe this is why I've always been attracted to the Romance language speakers – so much more passion in their blood, so much less cold Anglo-Saxon understanding.

Or I go for the guys who need to be understood, the ones who are cold and obtuse and totally unempathetic. Because this way, I think I'm the passionate one. (Every child of the 70s and 80s all together now, start singing Sweet's Ballroom Blitz!)

My industry – professional organizing – comes out of the New Age/Phil Donahue/Oprah tradition of self-help, of understanding causes and reasons for actions, of not finding blame but opportunities for growth.

I'm all for self-awareness as something everyone should strive for, but we go too far, and we explain away rude behaviour as "oh she acts that way because it was the only way she got acknowledgment from her workaholic parents."

What. Ever.

When we over-understand, we allow people to treat us with disrespect.

And I'm not talking about the kind of disrespect that "dissing" comes from: that modern version of you-besmirched-my-honour-sir-and-so-we-must-duel where the dueling is expressed as a drive-by shooting for looking at someone the wrong way.

I mean basic human respect. There just isn't enough of it.

Someday Lessons:

• Don't be too understanding and know when you're being a doormat.
• Sometimes rudeness is just rudeness. Don't over analyze it.
  

Lunch Today:
Simple Beef Stew

Over Confident Memory

I should just never travel in France.

Yet again disaster struck. I was all prepared for my trip to Ireland, via Paris. I had everything mapped out. My bus to the train station was leaving at 09h15, giving me plenty of time to finish packing, do my dishes and pack a lunch.

At 8am I started my to do list, the packing. My clothes packed easily and all my carry-on stuff I had in a pile. My train tickets sat on top. I glanced at them. Wait a minute! That 09h15 is in the wrong spot! Oh merde! The train was leaving Dax at 09h15, not Sauveterre - that bus left at 07h45. Merde, merde, merde.

So, after a taxi to Orthez, a train to Dax and a new train ticket (missed trains are only exchangeable for 50 minutes after the train leaves), I was on my way to Paris.

I had been so sure of the time. I had even considered checking the ticket the night before, but decided otherwise. I didn't need to! My memory is great!

Wrong!

Someday Lessons:

• Never rely on memory for time sensitive actions.
• Money does solve many problems, if you're willing to spend enough of it.

Lunch Today:
Was supposed to be cheese and crackers (as I mentioned in the previous posting), but instead was an overly expensive train sandwich.

Be Like Christopher Robin

A lot of people who’ve read my earlier postings have commented on my optimism. It’s true. I’m someone who always tries to look at the bright side of life. When life hands me lemons, I don’t make lemonade, I make a lemon meringue pie!

But sometimes that optimism can go too far and make me complacent. There are two sides to the “waiting for my ship to come in” Someday Symptom. The first is thinking: “Things HAVE to get better – they can’t get any worse!” The other is thinking: “Oh, everything is fine. I don’t need to do anything.”

It’s like Pooh and Piglet hunting Woozles. Piglet gets scared at the thought of them and wants to run away. Pooh is certain everything is fine, despite having no real understanding of the situation. Instead of being like either of them, I strive to be more Christopher Robin-like.

He could see the whole situation, and was able to tell Pooh and Piglet that they were only tracking their own pawprints and not on the trail of Woozles and Wizzles.

So that’s my goal – to figure out the difference between tracking potentially Hostile Animals and me just going in circles.

Someday Lessons:

1. When you find yourself acting or reacting in extremes, try to find the middle ground.
2. In potentially bad situations, take a step back and assess the problem from a slight distance.

Lunch Today:

Risotto with leeks, zucchini and pancetta.